A couple days back I’m taking a walk around my office complex, when this jackass in a suit exits one of the buildings in my path. He then proceeds to march out to the parking lot, and with mere inches to spare – walks right in front of me. Nope, no waiting – he has a SUIT. So I did what I always do when some putz pulls this sort of crap with me, I kept walking at the exact same speed, about an inch behind him. Yes, I’m an ass.
I’m coming home from a date on Saturday, when this jackass in a Ford Explorer rides right up on my ass as I go from the 50mph zone to the 30mph zone in Pine Island. It’s 30mph, I’ve gotten pulled over there, I’m going to do 30. I didn’t slam on the brakes, I just took my foot off the gas until I got to 30mph. So this toolbag is right on my ass, I decide to ignore it and flip my rearview up towards the ceiling (which apparently blinds the fuck out of a ford explorer). This jackass hits the highbeams for a second, then cuts them, then shortcuts through the parking lot of the Jolly Onion Inn to get around the light which had just turned red the second I crested the intersection.
Yesterday at the gym, I’m walking from one set of machines to another, and this frail little blond pulls the same crap that suit guy did on me. This time I’m walking perpendicular to her, and she speeds up her gate just enough to nearly cause collision. Now in these cases, I really don’t ever stop, mainly because bulldozing through some total moron who just HAS to be out front is one of the great joys of my day. She realizes at that last moment that I’m not going to stop (I haven’t sped up at all, was just walking) and walks even FASTER. Most of the time, if people are walking normally – I will simply slow down or stop and let them by.
At the supermarket yesterday picking up some ingredients for dinner, I’m behind this woman who insists on letting her 5 year old push the cart. She’s accomplished this by standing beside the cart, which isn’t nearly as wide as she is. I’m in no rush, I’ll just wait for a slot to open so I can walk past this roving road block. Then some teenage twit nearly takes out a display of vitamin water to blow past both of us on the side with barely enough room to fit the woman’s handbag. Best part is, no ‘excuse me’ or ‘pardon me,’ he just keeps on flying down towards the front of the store.
Then as I’m leaving the store, it’s raining outside so everyone is shuffling along rather quickly so they don’t (EEK!) get wet. I get over to the truck with a bag of groceries in my right hand, manage to get the door unlocked and open when yet another wonder of modern genetics and quite possibly the future frat mattresses of America flings the door open on the suv beside me and nearly knocks me over to get in out of the rain. I look at her of course, all of a sudden she notices the 250lb guy with the armful of groceries and gives me the “sorry” look. Sure. “I get it, you’re melting,” I say as she finally gets into the SUV.
I just don’t get the point of everyone being in such a rush. Wherever you’re going will still be there when you arrive, and the 1-2 minute difference that is made by being a flaming tool really won’t amount to much.