The Don’t List

So I’m going through my old documents on my laptop… stuff many, many years old at this point, and I ran across “The Don’t List.”  Long story short, I dated a girl who was very particular (read: narcissistic, a pattern I didn’t get a handle on until recently) and after I broke up with her, compiled a list of the things I wasn’t allowed to do while dating her.

Since i’m approaching 40 and seemingly haven’t found “the one” yet, I figured I’d go through my back catalog of failed relationships in the hopes of realizing what it is that I actually need.  Without further ado, The Don’t List.  Each entry here was something I was specifically told I could not do over the course of a 3 month relationship.

Don’t listen to classical music.
Don’t listen to offensive comedy.
Don’t listen to music I don’t like.
Don’t hang out with your friends, just mine if you expect me to hang out too.
Don’t mention female friends.
Don’t talk to female friends.
Don’t hug female friends.
Don’t mention ex girlfriends.
Don’t talk to ex girlfriends.
Don’t watch any movie I don’t like.
Don’t cook with onions, lettuce, or eat salad.  I think it’s gross.
Don’t play video games unless they are games I like.
Don’t talk about sex.
Don’t talk about your feelings.
Don’t talk about your problems.
Don’t use the word ‘fart.’
Don’t talk about bodily functions.
Don’t talk to people I am not getting along with.
Don’t laugh at things I am laughing about, it’s not funny, and it makes me feel stupid.
Don’t drink wine.
Don’t sit on the right side of the couch.
Don’t look at other girls.
Don’t not look at other girls. (22 wasn’t a problem, but I was yelled at for not looking at other girls).
Don’t discuss your career.
Don’t bake.
Don’t talk about motorcycles.
Don’t talk about selling your car.
Don’t not have a DVR.
Don’t grow your hair.
Don’t shave your beard.
Don’t not clip your nails every day.
Don’t eat at restaurants I do not like
Don’t eat at restaurants which I consider ‘preppy.’
Don’t tell jokes.
Don’t talk to my friends unless I am there to supervise.
Don’t forget to open the car door every time for me.
Don’t ever think you will not have to pay for everything.
Don’t wake up early, ever.
Don’t talk to my ex boyfriends.
Don’t let your truck idle next to my house.
Don’t do anything that could make you happy unless I like it too.
Don’t call me, I only do texts.
Don’t take advice from people you’ve known for 15+ years.
Don’t tuck in your shirt.

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