What is with…

Every day on the bus home, there are folks who will rush up to the front before it’s stopped only to be abruptly tossed forward when the driver hits the brakes. I kind of enjoy watching it, waiting to see who misses a grip and gets launched into the window.

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Tales from the bus stop, episode 2

So I wound up working from home the past few days, normally Chivalry Guy doesn’t show up on Fridays.  I get to the lot around 5am, and see Lady Innarush who usually shows up 2 minutes before the bus arrives and gets on first pull in.  I decide to hop out of the truck and head over.  I had actually planned on getting up around 4:20 this morning to grab the 4:43 bus, but I really wanted that extra 20 minutes of not getting out of bed.

So she gets to the shelter after me, as per usual.  I’m in my own world, usually standing there with my earbuds in, eyes shut, listening to Highway on Sirius.  A few more folks arrive who all understand the concept of “Whoever gets to the stop first, gets on the bus first.”

Bus arrives, Innarush immediately takes two steps toward it but stops dead when she sees me approach the door.  Look, I don’t know you – and I don’t give a fuck that nearly every other day of the week Chivalry Guy lets you get on before him.  I was here first, I get on first.  If you’re here before me, you get on first.  I just want to get on the bus and go to sleep.

Thankfully Frau Helga Von Bratwurst wasn’t there, however I’d probably let her get on before me though, just to hold up Lady Innarush a bit longer.

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Tales from the bus stop, episode 1

So every morning I go to work, I take the NJT bus out of Warwick.  It’s not the least expensive, or the fastest, but the benefits of driving 10 minutes to hop on a bus and get an extra hour+ of sleep can’t be denied.

A few months back I switched to a much earlier run so I could get in and out of work outside of the usual “rush hour” melee.  Sure, I lost my usual seat to a member of the NYFD, but generally at that point in the morning I get my pick of seating.

I’d noticed something about the bus I take though. One particular guy who was usually there first insists on letting any and all ladies go ahead of him.  I call him Chivalry Guy.  Now when it comes to every experience I’ve had with bus transit – whoever gets to the stop first, gets on first.  It’s just how things are done.  I never really minded the pointless gesture until one specific lady, an older woman with a German accent (Frau Helga Von Bratwurst) would get on, insist on a receipt and having a short conversation with the driver.

Now I realize this entire transaction only added a mere 20 seconds to me boarding, but when it’s 5am, dark, 15F, and all I want to do is sit down and go to sleep, IT’S REALLY FUCKING IRRITATING.

The usual pattern is – I get there at 5:05, wait in my warm truck until about 5:10 and head over to the shelter.  Chivalry Guy?  Did the same but was parked closer so he normally got there first.

A few weeks ago I just figured I would just get out of my truck earlier, get to the shelter first, get on the bus first and let Chivalry Guy do his thing.  Day 1?  Worked fine.  The next day when I pulled in he was already in the shelter.  It was a distinct change in behavior.  The regular schedule ensued with the lady who gets there a minute before the bus (Lady Innarush) arrives getting on first.

So yesterday I decided to change things up a bit.  I woke 5 minutes earlier, got to the stop 5 minutes earlier, immediately jumped out of the truck and got to the shelter first.  Chivalry Guy was there, but didn’t get out until the usual time.  When the bus arrived, I got on first and promptly passed the fuck out.

This morning?  I got to the stop at the normal time.  No sooner did I park then I saw Chivalry Guy and Lady Innarush practically leap out of their vehicles and walk very swiftly to the shelter.  While laughing my ass off at the obvious, I decided to fall back to my original habit and wait until 5:10 to exit my warm and cozy truck.  I get to the shelter, and as the bus arrives the Innarush nearly runs into the closed door as it pulls up she’s so eager to get on… again I’m cracking up.  Chivalry Guy let another woman who arrived after all of us get on, and I followed.

Now while I’m prepared to come in 10 minutes earlier just to be a real troll, I think I’ll just let things remain as is and keep this tucked in my back pocket for when I need a reason to smile at 5am.

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The Don’t List

So I’m going through my old documents on my laptop… stuff many, many years old at this point, and I ran across “The Don’t List.”  Long story short, I dated a girl who was very particular (read: narcissistic, a pattern I didn’t get a handle on until recently) and after I broke up with her, compiled a list of the things I wasn’t allowed to do while dating her.

Since i’m approaching 40 and seemingly haven’t found “the one” yet, I figured I’d go through my back catalog of failed relationships in the hopes of realizing what it is that I actually need.  Without further ado, The Don’t List.  Each entry here was something I was specifically told I could not do over the course of a 3 month relationship.

Don’t listen to classical music.
Don’t listen to offensive comedy.
Don’t listen to music I don’t like.
Don’t hang out with your friends, just mine if you expect me to hang out too.
Don’t mention female friends.
Don’t talk to female friends.
Don’t hug female friends.
Don’t mention ex girlfriends.
Don’t talk to ex girlfriends.
Don’t watch any movie I don’t like.
Don’t cook with onions, lettuce, or eat salad.  I think it’s gross.
Don’t play video games unless they are games I like.
Don’t talk about sex.
Don’t talk about your feelings.
Don’t talk about your problems.
Don’t use the word ‘fart.’
Don’t talk about bodily functions.
Don’t talk to people I am not getting along with.
Don’t laugh at things I am laughing about, it’s not funny, and it makes me feel stupid.
Don’t drink wine.
Don’t sit on the right side of the couch.
Don’t look at other girls.
Don’t not look at other girls. (22 wasn’t a problem, but I was yelled at for not looking at other girls).
Don’t discuss your career.
Don’t bake.
Don’t talk about motorcycles.
Don’t talk about selling your car.
Don’t not have a DVR.
Don’t grow your hair.
Don’t shave your beard.
Don’t not clip your nails every day.
Don’t eat at restaurants I do not like
Don’t eat at restaurants which I consider ‘preppy.’
Don’t tell jokes.
Don’t talk to my friends unless I am there to supervise.
Don’t forget to open the car door every time for me.
Don’t ever think you will not have to pay for everything.
Don’t wake up early, ever.
Don’t talk to my ex boyfriends.
Don’t let your truck idle next to my house.
Don’t do anything that could make you happy unless I like it too.
Don’t call me, I only do texts.
Don’t take advice from people you’ve known for 15+ years.
Don’t tuck in your shirt.

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To Vape…

So for the past 20 years I’ve been an idiot.  On and off, I’ve smoked cigarettes.  There’s still no one thing on the planet that can ease anxiety or sooth the mind like a cancer stick.  I don’t give a shit what people say about exercising.  Cigarettes are fantastic and require zero effort.  Therein lies the problem.  They killed my uncle, gave my dad cancer, and have caused irreparable harm to friends and family.

I’ve always been able to stop.  Don’t ask me why, but the addiction didn’t catch.  This time around though?  I haven’t been able to.  I got the itch, the urge to quit which is usually all it takes… but I pushed through.  I’d gotten to the point where every time I’d smoke, my head would get foggy, I wouldn’t feel better, and after that last drag I’d say aloud “I need to fucking stop this.”

Many years ago when vaping was in its infancy, It got me to stop smoking regular cigarettes overnight.  They were these little things the size of a cigarette that’d lose charge in a few hours or run dry after a few drags.  By the time I stopped with them, I’d been building my own e-cigarettes and making my own fluid, a truly cottage industry in my own home.

So yesterday I dropped $150 on a vaporizer from Smok, some batteries, coils (the bits that heat up the fluid), charger, and fluid, the whole shebang.  Last night I ordered fluid with zero nicotine as well.  I’m back to vaping.  I haven’t had the urge to light up since.  There’s still a half-used pack of camels in my medicine cabinet.

Over the years, as the popularity grew, so many people are vaping these days that it’s hard to avoid the folks who insist on making the biggest cloud of vapor and puff on the damned thing every 5 seconds.  The vaporizers are no longer the size of a cigarette, or even a pack of cigarettes, they’re the size of Sony Walkmans.  To some folks, they just want to be *seen* vaping, and it’s annoying as shit.  Folks like me who are just trying to get off of cigarettes don’t need anything so gaudy.

I posted a photo of my new vaporizer online last night, shortly after the jokes and jabs started rolling in like clockwork.  It’s a miniature douche flute!  Nobody knows what the long term effects are of it!  That second one got to me.  Follow the line of reasoning here folks… people are continuing to smoke cigarettes which are known for a fact to cause cancer and kill people, because they don’t know the long term effects of vaping.

Ok, so cigarettes cause COPD, cancer, death.  Some folks will experience these side effects early in their life, others it will take 30, 40, 50 years before all those soothing drags catch up to them.  Either way it’s pretty much guaranteed that if you smoke cigarettes, bad shit will happen.

How do you top guaranteed cancer and death?  Who gives a shit what the long term side effects of vaping are?  I don’t.  All I know is that I haven’t taken a drag in 24 hours, and as soon as my new fluid gets here I’m off nicotine.  I’ll feel better, smell better, and sleep better until all those cigarettes finally catch up to me some day.  Seems worth the “risk” to me.

 

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Lethal Weapon Holds It’s Own

Always a fan of the original films, the give and take between the characters, the writing, everything… While the final installment wasn’t my favorite by any means, 1 and 2 set the standard for buddy cop action for decades to come.

When the new series was announced, I joined the collective groan.  Why isn’t there anything new?  No original ideas?  Then I watched the show.  The give and take was back, Riggs and Murtagh together again, the writing is perfect.

It’s entertainment!  I honestly don’t care what movie franchise lands on TV as long as they don’t fuck up the writing and the actors work together.  Damon Wayans and Clayne Crawford nail it.

Season 2 hit the ground running last night, I’m finally catching up via Hulu, and laughing my ass off as the bullets fly.  You may groan at the idea of another reboot while watching your chosen rerun, or you can turn the TV enjoy the shit out of this.

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Take that, you pesky STALL

So my diet stalled for a few weeks, I wasn’t gaining any weight but I was still hovering around 250 enough for it to get annoying… that’s when I decided to do something completely counter-intuitive… I increased my fat intake.

I was off last week which made it easier, I began adding 1 tbsp of coconut oil to my cup of coffee in the morning, usually I’d have 2 cups, so that was a quick way of adding 28 grams of fat.  At the end of the day, I’d have one or two of my ketogenic fat bomb cheesecake bites for another 22 grams of fat.

Within days… stall broken.  Right now sitting at my desk sipping a cup of coffee with 2 tbsp of butter in it… 22 grams of fat never felt so good.

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Keto Friendly Pumpkin Spice Cheesecakes (for the basic bitch in all of us).

Ingredients:

  • 8oz cream cheese (room temperature, makes it mix easier).
  • 1/4 cup sour cream.
  • 1/2 cup heavy whipping cream.
  • 1/2 cup erythritol.
  • 1 Tbsp Pumpkin Pie Seasoning (McCormick)

Combine the cream cheese, sour cream, heavy whipping cream, and erythritol sweetner in a mixer and mix until smooth.  Add the pumpkin pie seasoning, and continue to mix at medium to high speed until fluffy.

Either pour it in a pan, or into cupcake papers… place in the freezer for an hour or two (or refrigerator for twice that) to set and enjoy.

12 servings total, 110 calories, 11g of fat, and 0.7g carbs per.

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Clear blue sky, crisp air, was a beautiful day.

If you’d told me 16 years ago that I’d actually be working down here, in NYC, I would have thought you were nuts.

Growing up, everyone remembered where they were when JFK was assassinated.

I’ll always remember where I was on this day, 16 years ago.  Sitting at my desk at the library system I was working for.  While in a chatroom, bullshitting with my friends one tells us ‘a plane just hit one of the twin towers.’

“How the hell do you hit a big ass building?”

Second plane hit… we all realized at the same time nothing was going to be the same again. We lost a lot of innocent people, we lost a lot of our innocence, our naivety.

Still sitting at my desk, trying to take in what was going on as every single news site on the Internet was crawling due to the load… my entire Rockland County network went red.  When one of the towers collapsed, beams launched through the roads and into the basement at a Verizon collocation, flooding it and shutting it down.

The rest of the day I was on the road, visiting every library that had a modem and restoring connectivity back to the main library network over dialup as all our circuits were gone indefinitely.  Was eerie driving on 17E doing 20 over the limit… passing rows of State Troopers sitting on the median all listening to their radios in the same shock as everyone else.

Everyone I spoke to that day had the same stunned…disconnected look on their face.

I don’t think it really hit me until a few days later, after my job for the time being was done… I’m almost glad I was so busy on 9/11/2001.  I’ll never forget that morning though.

Clear blue sky, crisp air, was a beautiful day.

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Embrace the whatever.

So I’m sitting here, on the second day of my 39th year (that means I’m 38)… and I am lonely as fuck.  I’m sitting here watching Netflix, playing a video game on my laptop, drinking coffee with coconut oil in it to lose weight, and looking up quotes about loneliness online.

Are you fucking kidding me?

Let me tell you this: if you meet a loner, no matter what they tell you, it’s not because they enjoy solitude. It’s because they have tried to blend into the world before, and people continue to disappoint them.

—Jodi Picoult

I’m so tired of chasing people down who have no desire to be my friend.

I’m exhausted of trying to have conversations where I’m the only one paying attention or giving a shit.  I try to acknowledge everyone when they speak (unless they’re being a total douchebag)…  When I speak?  Few and far between are those who cast a glance my way and spare a few neurons to acknowledge me.

I’m sick of the games… of all my desires coming up short of being fulfilled, or being perpetually beyond my reach.

Jesus Christ I’m going to be 40 in 2 years, and I have very little doubt that despite my efforts, despite how hard I try, or how much I struggle to find those I can open up to… I’ll be sitting here on 9/7/2019, watching Netflix, playing video games, alone.

Humanity only seems to accept me through pity, after I subvert who I am enough in order to “fit in.”  That’s why I find humanity to be such a grand fucking disappointment.

So yeah, I guess I’m a loner, destined to stand on the outside looking in, jaded, tired, and wanting.  I give up as I warmly embrace the whatever.

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