To Vape…

So for the past 20 years I’ve been an idiot.  On and off, I’ve smoked cigarettes.  There’s still no one thing on the planet that can ease anxiety or sooth the mind like a cancer stick.  I don’t give a shit what people say about exercising.  Cigarettes are fantastic and require zero effort.  Therein lies the problem.  They killed my uncle, gave my dad cancer, and have caused irreparable harm to friends and family.

I’ve always been able to stop.  Don’t ask me why, but the addiction didn’t catch.  This time around though?  I haven’t been able to.  I got the itch, the urge to quit which is usually all it takes… but I pushed through.  I’d gotten to the point where every time I’d smoke, my head would get foggy, I wouldn’t feel better, and after that last drag I’d say aloud “I need to fucking stop this.”

Many years ago when vaping was in its infancy, It got me to stop smoking regular cigarettes overnight.  They were these little things the size of a cigarette that’d lose charge in a few hours or run dry after a few drags.  By the time I stopped with them, I’d been building my own e-cigarettes and making my own fluid, a truly cottage industry in my own home.

So yesterday I dropped $150 on a vaporizer from Smok, some batteries, coils (the bits that heat up the fluid), charger, and fluid, the whole shebang.  Last night I ordered fluid with zero nicotine as well.  I’m back to vaping.  I haven’t had the urge to light up since.  There’s still a half-used pack of camels in my medicine cabinet.

Over the years, as the popularity grew, so many people are vaping these days that it’s hard to avoid the folks who insist on making the biggest cloud of vapor and puff on the damned thing every 5 seconds.  The vaporizers are no longer the size of a cigarette, or even a pack of cigarettes, they’re the size of Sony Walkmans.  To some folks, they just want to be *seen* vaping, and it’s annoying as shit.  Folks like me who are just trying to get off of cigarettes don’t need anything so gaudy.

I posted a photo of my new vaporizer online last night, shortly after the jokes and jabs started rolling in like clockwork.  It’s a miniature douche flute!  Nobody knows what the long term effects are of it!  That second one got to me.  Follow the line of reasoning here folks… people are continuing to smoke cigarettes which are known for a fact to cause cancer and kill people, because they don’t know the long term effects of vaping.

Ok, so cigarettes cause COPD, cancer, death.  Some folks will experience these side effects early in their life, others it will take 30, 40, 50 years before all those soothing drags catch up to them.  Either way it’s pretty much guaranteed that if you smoke cigarettes, bad shit will happen.

How do you top guaranteed cancer and death?  Who gives a shit what the long term side effects of vaping are?  I don’t.  All I know is that I haven’t taken a drag in 24 hours, and as soon as my new fluid gets here I’m off nicotine.  I’ll feel better, smell better, and sleep better until all those cigarettes finally catch up to me some day.  Seems worth the “risk” to me.


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Lethal Weapon Holds It’s Own

Always a fan of the original films, the give and take between the characters, the writing, everything… While the final installment wasn’t my favorite by any means, 1 and 2 set the standard for buddy cop action for decades to come.

When the new series was announced, I joined the collective groan.  Why isn’t there anything new?  No original ideas?  Then I watched the show.  The give and take was back, Riggs and Murtagh together again, the writing is perfect.

It’s entertainment!  I honestly don’t care what movie franchise lands on TV as long as they don’t fuck up the writing and the actors work together.  Damon Wayans and Clayne Crawford nail it.

Season 2 hit the ground running last night, I’m finally catching up via Hulu, and laughing my ass off as the bullets fly.  You may groan at the idea of another reboot while watching your chosen rerun, or you can turn the TV enjoy the shit out of this.

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Take that, you pesky STALL

So my diet stalled for a few weeks, I wasn’t gaining any weight but I was still hovering around 250 enough for it to get annoying… that’s when I decided to do something completely counter-intuitive… I increased my fat intake.

I was off last week which made it easier, I began adding 1 tbsp of coconut oil to my cup of coffee in the morning, usually I’d have 2 cups, so that was a quick way of adding 28 grams of fat.  At the end of the day, I’d have one or two of my ketogenic fat bomb cheesecake bites for another 22 grams of fat.

Within days… stall broken.  Right now sitting at my desk sipping a cup of coffee with 2 tbsp of butter in it… 22 grams of fat never felt so good.

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Keto Friendly Pumpkin Spice Cheesecakes (for the basic bitch in all of us).


  • 8oz cream cheese (room temperature, makes it mix easier).
  • 1/4 cup sour cream.
  • 1/2 cup heavy whipping cream.
  • 1/2 cup erythritol.
  • 1 Tbsp Pumpkin Pie Seasoning (McCormick)

Combine the cream cheese, sour cream, heavy whipping cream, and erythritol sweetner in a mixer and mix until smooth.  Add the pumpkin pie seasoning, and continue to mix at medium to high speed until fluffy.

Either pour it in a pan, or into cupcake papers… place in the freezer for an hour or two (or refrigerator for twice that) to set and enjoy.

12 servings total, 110 calories, 11g of fat, and 0.7g carbs per.

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Clear blue sky, crisp air, was a beautiful day.

If you’d told me 16 years ago that I’d actually be working down here, in NYC, I would have thought you were nuts.

Growing up, everyone remembered where they were when JFK was assassinated.

I’ll always remember where I was on this day, 16 years ago.  Sitting at my desk at the library system I was working for.  While in a chatroom, bullshitting with my friends one tells us ‘a plane just hit one of the twin towers.’

“How the hell do you hit a big ass building?”

Second plane hit… we all realized at the same time nothing was going to be the same again. We lost a lot of innocent people, we lost a lot of our innocence, our naivety.

Still sitting at my desk, trying to take in what was going on as every single news site on the Internet was crawling due to the load… my entire Rockland County network went red.  When one of the towers collapsed, beams launched through the roads and into the basement at a Verizon collocation, flooding it and shutting it down.

The rest of the day I was on the road, visiting every library that had a modem and restoring connectivity back to the main library network over dialup as all our circuits were gone indefinitely.  Was eerie driving on 17E doing 20 over the limit… passing rows of State Troopers sitting on the median all listening to their radios in the same shock as everyone else.

Everyone I spoke to that day had the same stunned…disconnected look on their face.

I don’t think it really hit me until a few days later, after my job for the time being was done… I’m almost glad I was so busy on 9/11/2001.  I’ll never forget that morning though.

Clear blue sky, crisp air, was a beautiful day.

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Embrace the whatever.

So I’m sitting here, on the second day of my 39th year (that means I’m 38)… and I am lonely as fuck.  I’m sitting here watching Netflix, playing a video game on my laptop, drinking coffee with coconut oil in it to lose weight, and looking up quotes about loneliness online.

Are you fucking kidding me?

Let me tell you this: if you meet a loner, no matter what they tell you, it’s not because they enjoy solitude. It’s because they have tried to blend into the world before, and people continue to disappoint them.

—Jodi Picoult

I’m so tired of chasing people down who have no desire to be my friend.

I’m exhausted of trying to have conversations where I’m the only one paying attention or giving a shit.  I try to acknowledge everyone when they speak (unless they’re being a total douchebag)…  When I speak?  Few and far between are those who cast a glance my way and spare a few neurons to acknowledge me.

I’m sick of the games… of all my desires coming up short of being fulfilled, or being perpetually beyond my reach.

Jesus Christ I’m going to be 40 in 2 years, and I have very little doubt that despite my efforts, despite how hard I try, or how much I struggle to find those I can open up to… I’ll be sitting here on 9/7/2019, watching Netflix, playing video games, alone.

Humanity only seems to accept me through pity, after I subvert who I am enough in order to “fit in.”  That’s why I find humanity to be such a grand fucking disappointment.

So yeah, I guess I’m a loner, destined to stand on the outside looking in, jaded, tired, and wanting.  I give up as I warmly embrace the whatever.

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Ketogenic Fat Bombs (Dark Chocolate Peanut Butter Cheesecake Bites).

Really can’t stand when an online recipe has 5 pages explaining the life experience of whoever came up with it, to wit – this is a modification of a recipe I found online to add more chocolate and more flavor to what was a pretty bland recipe that tasted like frozen cream cheese.

  • 8oz of Cream Cheese (room temp, makes it easier to mix)
  • 2 Tbsp Smucker’s Natural Peanut Butter
  • 1/2 cup salted butter (Kerry Gold)
  • 4oz Bakers Unsweetened Chocolate
  • 1 Tbsp Hershey’s Dark Chocolate Baking Powder
  • 1/2 Tbsp Vanilla Extract
  • 1/2 Tbsp Almond Extract
  • 1/2 Cup Erythritol sweetener.

Place the cream cheese and peanut butter in a large mixing bowl.  Melt the butter and chocolate, stirring constantly.  Add the vanilla/almond extract and sweetener, continue to stir. Once it’s all melted together, pour it over the cream cheese and peanut butter, then blend with a mixer on high for at least 2 minutes.  Pour into a 7″ x 11″ pan lined with parchment paper, level it out with a rubber spatula and toss it in the freezer to set.  Can be left in the freezer or fridge, good for a fat craving (sweet cravings don’t really exist on keto).

The nutrition facts are as follows (per serving, 16 total).

  • 135.6 Calories
  • 11g Fat
  • 1g Net Carbs
  • 1g Protein
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People have a right to look like idiots, and I encourage them to do so.

“Every record has been destroyed or falsified, every book rewritten, every picture has been repainted, every statue and street building has been renamed, every date has been altered. And the process is continuing day by day and minute by minute. History has stopped. Nothing exists except an endless present in which the Party is always right.” – George Orwell, 1984.

Looking at the Facebook posts of my “friends” I must be a Nazi simply because I don’t buy the media’s story or manipulations of the Charlottesville incident.  Even the ones not bold or ignorant enough to directly lob these bullshit label grenades still click “like” instead of patting the misinformed useful idiot on the head and ignoring the tantrum.  The media controls the story – Trump is doing his damnest to try and stem the tide but logic and truth are getting drowned the hell out.

What a world it could be if the media simply reported the news instead of creating or shaping it.  Trump says there were peaceful protestors at the site, upset about the removal of historic monuments (put up by Democrats) when others rushed in with weapons.  The video is out there, to ignore it is to completely lack intellectual honesty… but we’re past that.  The establishment WANTS emotional reaction.  They want truth and logic to be buried under fire and fury funded by George Soros and his bile spewing ilk.  There’s always more than one side to hate, Mr Swarzenegger.  Multiple hate groups stole the attention from anyone simply there to protest removing the statue, but the media and those who can’t seem to think outside the media’s confines only seem interested on acknowledging the ones who weren’t paid to be there.

It seems every week there’s some new accusation against the plain old ordinary right wingers like me.  When I look at the left, I don’t paint them all with the broad brush of those idiots who were burning books and rioting at Berkely and would expect the same in return but hey – logic’s a bitch when your every thought is shaped by a fake news media hell bent on controlling the story.

I could take the easy way out and say “Hey, but there’s a statue of Lenin in Seattle, and he’s responsible for more deaths than Robert E Lee ever was” but hey – I don’t believe history should be rewritten.  If the people of Seattle honestly think Lenin deserves a statue, then I believe they’ve got the right to look like blithering idiots in the annals of history.

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You know…

I had a brief stint as a parent a few years ago, and when children throw tantrums generally speaking you should let them.  Eventually they’ll give up and tire out.  That said, the kids aren’t tearing down monuments, beating the shit out of people for the color of their skin or political affiliations, burning books, and so on.  Eventually an adult needs to step in and say to everyone “CUT THE SHIT” along with a good solid spanking.  The establishment and their media compatriots frame the stories how they see fit for maximum effect and results, to keep a segment of the population wound up whether or not they’re being funded by George Soros and his ilk…  As long as the media feeds these useful idiots, the idiots will continue to happily lap the poison up and react until their last dying breath.

It’s not so much that I’m tired of politics, or sick of arguing politics, it’s just that a large portion of the population seems to get carte blanche when it comes to reaction, they get all the attention while the rest of us are going on with our day to day lives – invisible yet conscious of the absurdity and wondering who will finally spank the shit out of these folks and restore some semblance of sanity to the public discourse.

Nobody’s mind is getting changed, some of my best friends are on the complete other side of the political spectrum from myself – yet I’ve no desire to pummel them into submission and visa versa.  What is it going to take for the populace in general to get there or at least head in that direction?  I say for starters shut the door and let the kids scream and cry themselves to sleep, but when the doors are jammed open by the establishment media – it’s hard to come up with a constitutionally appropriate method to reign in the tantrum.

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Losing Rules.

When I got back from vacation on July 8th, I weighed myself and rung in at a hearty 270lbs.  I’m was out of shape, on high blood pressure medication, and generally had the energy and motivation of a sloth on Ambien.  Then a little voice in my head said it was time to change that.  I decided to take on the “keto” lifestyle and as a result, 1 month later I’m 250lbs.  I still have a ways to go but so far I’m thoroughly enjoying the results.

My energy levels are way up, my motivation to do… anything has drastically increased.  My blood pressure is stabilizing, my cholesterol is down, and the digestive issues that have plagued me my entire life are nearly a distant memory.  What is “keto?”  A very low carb, high fat and protein diet.  You cut carbs to the point your body is forced to burn stored fat as fuel.  That’s the TL;DR version.  I’m not entirely sure how far it is off of Atkins, but I know the last time I attempted any low-carb diet I went from 260lbs to 220lbs pretty damned quick.  It took me a good 6 years to get back up to my lounging weight.

Anyhow, cutting carbs hasn’t been a huge deal for me.  My sweet tooth is all but non-existent.  I don’t miss bread, pasta, even pizza (I’ll get to that later).  If I have breakfast, it’s usually bacon and eggs made in bacon grease.  Lunch?  Double bacon cheeseburger in a lettuce wrap.  Dinner?  Chicken, Pork, or Steak that I usually incorporate bacon into (especially the leaner pork/chicken in order to drive the saturated fat content up).  I don’t get hungry a lot – if I do, usually a handful of salted almonds does the trick.

Pizza?  I still have it but I make it myself.  Either the Fathead variety (crust composed of almond flour and cheese) – or my preference the Chicken Crust variety.  A crust entirely made of shredded chicken with garlic, basil, oregano, parmesan, and an egg.  Top it with cheese and bacon – it’s heavenly and supremely satisfying (and very low carb).  If I do get a craving for something sweet, I’ve gotten into making these little chocolate cheesecake bites with bakers chocolate, cream cheese, and erythritol sweetener… again very low carb, but completely satisfying.

So right now I’m basically a month and a week in, down 20lbs, and if my current weight loss rate continues I’ll be at or below 200lbs by Christmas while eating things I already enjoyed all the while cutting the crap that kept me fluffy.  I’m gonna miss my gut…not. 🙂

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