Steel belted threads…

Posted on May 31, 2023 by SJ

25 “Therefore I say to you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink; nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing? 26 Look at the birds of the air, for they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? 27 Which of you by worrying can add one cubit to his stature?

Matthew 6:25-27

6 Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God;

Philippians 4:6

A couple weeks ago I headed back up to NY to celebrate Mother’s day with my family and spend time with friends I hadn’t seen for about 6 months since my last visit. Now while I normally will drive 13 hours in one shot to get there, this time I chose to fly and rent a car. Both the Delta and Enterprise had served me well for many years.

That is, until this trip. Still no complaints about Delta, but let me set the stage for Enterprise here. Now rental cars are the fastest cars on the planet mainly because the renter doesn’t have to repair or maintain them. That reasoning is why I will generally avoid renting the lower-end vehicles as they’re commonly driven into the ground for giggles.

I picked up a nice Audi. It was fast, comfortable, and looked cool. I’m a car guy, sue me. Most of the week was spent driving between Warwick and Pine Island, except for a surprise trip up to Springfield, MA to visit some good friends who I haven’t seen in over a year. The roughly 3 hour drive went well but in the end the car didn’t make it to Springfield.

Driving on I-91N maybe a half hour from my destination, I saw a tractor trailer ahead of me swerve drastically. I did the same, avoiding whatever it was with my front tires but it nailed my right rear tire. The car behind me hit it head on, and I saw the vehicle catch air before rapidly pulling off the highway. Here’s a view from behind posted on TikTok the day after:

(Editors note: This may not actually be from THAT incident but going by what the area looked like in Google Street View, as well as what I saw the car behind me do, I believe it is).

About 2 miles down the road, I heard the telltale sound of a tire having blown out so I pulled off. Happily, there was a spare tire in the trunk. Sadly, there was no wrench or jack. That’s when Sherwin pulled up in a Geico roadside truck. He offered to help and quickly installed the spare tire (for free) and sent me on my way.

I was immensely thankful for the assistance! I thanked God for sending him my way, and thanked God again when I saw that the inside of the tire was completely shredded. As I’m now driving on a donut, I had to call Enterprise roadside assistance to get a new ride. These are limited to 50 miles at 50mph, and well – I can’t drive 55mph let alone 50mph.

The woman on the phone directed me over to the Enfield, CT branch of Enterprise, made contact with them and opened an incident for the car. About 2 minutes after that call, Parth, the manager of Enterprise in Enfield, CT called me to let me know that he had no cars available… I discussed going to the airport then, but he stated that they are likely out too.

He did mention however that they had a tire shop nearby that they work with, so I should come in with the car and he would see what our options were. When I arrived, he’d already setup an appointment with the tire shop (Town Faire in Enfield, CT). They confirmed the tire was toast and Tim at Town Faire asked me to give him about 2 hours to replace it.

While waiting, my friends from Springfield picked me up so I could visit with them (and grab some Chick Fil-A because why not, it’s awesome). As the evening approached, the tire shop called to let me know the car was ready. I had to pay Enterprise $55 for the roadside assistance since I declined the coverage, but other than that I was back on my way home.

I made sure to thank God that from the blowout on the interstate though getting the car back, everything had gone as smooth as can be, and I still got to see my friends. As a side note, I thank God a lot. We all should. Whether things go right, or wrong, I see His hand in it and know that at the end of the day things will transpire for our good and His glory.

I’ll admit I was still trying to wonder the point of having that tire blow out was, until I was sitting in church this past Sunday with my mother and got a text alert from my bank. Enterprise just billed me $385 for tolls. My jaw dropped, my anxiety shot up, and I quickly got annoyed. When I got home I called them – closed on the weekend.

See, the cars come with a toll transponder on the windshield, and for a “convenience fee” a renter can use that – or their own. I chose to use my own and didn’t really think much of it.

On Monday I called them. Closed for Memorial Day. In the mean time I checked my EZ-Pass account and the only toll there (I used my own transponder) was a toll from the drive up to Massachusetts where I had that tire replaced by Enterprise. On Tuesday morning, I called up Enterprise and plead my case to them.

They sent me an email which I could attach evidence of my claim to, so I sent a copy of my EZ-Pass statement (a toll which was missing from their report) and a copy of the invoice from Town Faire tire. That single piece of paper proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that there was an error here. Enterprise had me collecting tolls in NJ when the car was in CT.

When the guy gave me the receipt, he wasn’t sure I needed it since it was a rental and Enterprise got the bill, but a small voice told me to hold on to it. I also gave the names and contact info of everyone who dealt with the Audi on Wednesday, and mare sure to point out that the car had otherwise not left a 20 mile radius of Warwick, NY for the duration.

After I did what I needed to, I said a prayer to God and gave Him the entire situation. I left its outcome and resolution up to Him. I wasn’t going to worry about it anymore. Now while some folks may shout that this was all a happy coincidence, I see it as a thread. I see many threads, all woven together by the Almighty for our good and His glory. This was another.

With that prayer, I left the stress and anxiety behind me and moved on with my day.

This morning I get an email from Enterprise, they found an error and are issuing a full refund.

Thank you, Jesus. 🙂

Posted in Cars, Faith | Leave a comment

Lets talk about fear.

Posted on April 2, 2023 by SJ

Most of my life has been ruled by it.

Fear of taking chances. Fear of change. Fear of risk. Fear of death.

A few years back I packaged up all my “what if’s” and handed them over to the Lord. A year later He took away my fear of death when I lost my Dad. A year after that, I packed up everything I had, hopped in my car and relocated to Georgia. There was only one big fear I had left and it wasn’t fear of the Lord, it was heights.

Now for most, I’d imagine a fear of heights is a rational fear. It forces us to put some more attention on our environment, to be aware of what might go wrong if we’re not careful. For me it was absolutely debilitating. Any height above what my two eyes could see in front of me induced a level of fear based brain fog and physical paralysis that increased exponentially.

A few feet above the ground I could handle but my anxiety was heightened. Whatever led me to that place would get handled quickly and I would rush to get back down to terra firma. Things like standing inside a skyscraper or flying on a plane didn’t bug me at all. 3 stories up and able to see a power line? Forget it. I’d start to lock up.

It was so bad at times that if there were men working on the roof of my house, I could not look up at them. Walking into my office involves using a short foot bridge between the 5th floor of the parking garage and the 4th floor of the office building. A glance to either side at the ground below shortened my breath and sent my pulse racing.

Now I’ve been in the word heavily the past few years, and a recurring theme has been to fear nothing for the Lord is with me. The only fear I should have is fear of the Lord, and that’s not physical paralysis fear, that’s holding Him in Holy reverence because He is Holy. The Lord is my refuge, my safe space, the one place in all of existence where I am at peace.

Unless I was high up.

Last week my stepdaughter paid me a visit and we went on some hikes. Both Amicalola Falls and Talula Gorge triggered my fear of heights. I pushed my way through the former, but when it came to the 200 foot long bridge suspended 80 feet above the river below, I wasn’t having it. I stood at the base of an exceptionally steep staircase as my stepdaughter ventured on.

I’d already had my fear triggered massively a few times at the gorge. Every scenic lookout was beautiful and vast, but the floor of the gorge was far from my feet and I could barely get myself near the sturdy fencing which separated the lookout from the chasm. I was missing out on completely enjoying the trek because of my fear, I was embarrassed and annoyed.

The week after my stepdaughter left, I started to slip into a funk. I felt old fears begin to creep back in and I officially had enough of them. I prayed to God. I reached out to my brothers in Christ to pray for me as well. Within a day I began to notice a change. I walked into my office across that foot bridge and didn’t feel any fear. It was peculiar.

4 I sought the Lord, and He heard me,
And delivered me from all my fears.
5 They looked to Him and were radiant,
And their faces were not ashamed.

Psalm 34:4-5

On my lunch break, I walked the 5 story parking garage from the base level to the roof. Where previously I took comfort in the 4 high walls which surrounded me, this time I pulled myself up and peered over the edge. I felt that knot of fear in my mind but it was having no effect on me. I looked straight down at the asphalt below… and I was fine!

So I made the decision then and there, I was going to cross that gorge. The fear had left me briefly in the past, usually after going somewhere exceptionally high up and challenging it. In the weeks and months that followed, gutters got cleared, light bulbs were changed, shingles were nailed down – I had no fear until it began to creep back in.

A view of the bridge from up top, one of the scenic outlooks.

This time was different though. I was on a mission. I had asked God to remove the fear from me, and this was to be the moment where I challenged myself again. I was waiting for it, to be honest. I assumed at some point during my trip down the steep staircase to the bridge (which previously gave me pause) it would sweep back in and stop me cold.

The entry to the bridge, 200 feet across and 80 foot over a rocky river below.

Where two weeks back I couldn’t even walk up to the end of the bridge to get on it, this time I stood there, paused, and said “Lord give me strength.” I stepped out. I was fine. I think the only pang of fear I felt the entire time was at the possibility of dropping my phone on the bridge which would shuffle and bounce from the people crossing or wind cutting through it.

Obligatory selfie at the mid-point. No fear. It felt surreal.
The view from up above.
The other side, looking back. I did it.

I wasn’t able to continue up the south rim trail this time as it was closed off to accommodate a kayak event. They didn’t want to risk a hiker getting smacked in the face by a kayak being carried down the stairs. Understandable. That’ll be a voyage for my next trip across, I can’t wait to see what the Lord has in store for me next with this fear removed from me.

“The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom,
And the knowledge of the Holy One is understanding.

Proverbs 9:10

With only one fear left, the only fear that matters, maybe now I can start working on that wisdom thing. God bless!

Posted in Faith, Outdoors | Leave a comment

Why?

Posted on March 15, 2023 by SJ

Originally I posted the following story in my Instagram.  I decided to update it for my blog.  You can catch the original post by clicking here.

Y’all ever have one of those days where you just ask “why?”

I’m headed home from work the other day like any other.  I was in a bit of a mood, as something going on in my personal life left me with a heavy heart.  I didn’t know how to handle it, I couldn’t control it.

Driving up through Flowery Branch, GA I cross a set of railroad tracks I must have crossed at least a hundred times before.  This time though, I hear an odd “PING!” sound from my front right tire.  I didn’t think much of it until several miles later when the tire pressure light came on and I heard the telltale “WHOMP WHOMP WHOMP” sound from my front end.

Dang it, I got a flat tire!

So I pull over and like I thought, it’s flat.  I’ve got repair kits and whatnot in the trunk, so I roll the car back and forth, turn the wheel, and for the life of me I simply cannot find the damage.  That’s when I get the air pump / fix-a-flat kit from my trunk (it’s the gift from Honda for refusing to give me a spare tire).

I fire it up and the gauge goes crazy for a bit as the air and glue get pumped into my tire.  Eventually the tire starts to inflate as I see the glue start to seep out between the wheel and the tire.  First thought is that I hit something hard enough to break the bead, or seal, between the tire and wheel.

I shut down the pump when the pressure hits 35PSI only to hear the steady “hisssssss” of air leaving the tire.  That’s when I discover that whatever I hit actually damaged the sidewall of the tire, a fatal blow for any tire.  Pun intended.  Now thankfully, the tire didn’t blow out at speed, it just slowly let go, and conveniently brought me to a stop at a gas station instead of the side of 985.

Alright alright, so I get out my phone and call roadside assistance through my insurance company.  I figure they can come out, tow the car back to my house where I have spare tires for this car, and the next day I’ll bring the damaged tire to get replaced.  No big deal.

Now I’m at a gas station.  I’m stressed.  Thankfully not annoyed or angry, just stressed.  I had every intention of getting home, having supper, and kicking back to watch reruns of Top Gear.  Instead I am stressed.  I haven’t smoked in about 2 weeks at this point, no cigarettes, no vapes, but you know I remember any time I’m stressed there was nothing like a cigarette to put me at ease.

Instead of going into the gas station, buying a pack of smokes, and discarding the past two weeks I spent quitting, I reached out to my brothers in Christ to pray for me so that this temptation would not win.  I was praying myself, but one can never have enough prayer in their life.  The bible says to do so ceaselessly, so that’s a lot of prayer to be had.  The need to smoke faded, thank you Jesus.

The tow operator gives me a call and lets me know that his tow truck is down, but he’s coming by in his pickup to help me out.  I describe the problem, jokingly explain that its 2023 and nobody needs a spare tire anymore… but I ask him to give me a lift back to my house so I can pick up a wheel and tire as well as my tools.  Shortly after he arrives in a beat up old Dodge and we’re off.

What ensued was a solid hour or so of great conversation with the man.  I’d never have met him any other way, he described his struggles, I shared mine.  Never could have happened any other way.  Now I did have an opportunity to witness to him but I tend to ease in to the witness, read the room so to speak.  However before the night was through I said “God bless you!” and he fully appreciated it.

So we get back to my car, and the conversation / joking continued as we swapped out the wheels and tires on my car.  Now there’s a funny thing with my car, the front wheels MUST match, so my spare tire went on the back, the good tire moved up, I torqued both down with my electric impact gun, and was on my merry way home in short order.

I made the decision a couple weeks back that I wasn’t going to drink alone anymore.  Just isn’t healthy for me.  I tell you though, nothing could have put a better end to my day than a glass of whiskey.  I was going to pass my liquor store on the way home, so why not stop and grab a bottle.  I’m filthy dirty.  I’m sweaty.  My hands are black.  I’m not going into a liquor store in that state.

Good thing.  I continue my way home and within a few miles I start to hear “WHOMP WHOMP WHOMP” again.  I slow down and decide to just get my car home where my tools are so I can figure out what is going on now.  Did the original rear tire get damaged too?  I get the car in my garage, get it up in the air and realize the lugs on my spare are a little loose.  Easy fix.  I’m home.

I dare say the Lord popped my tire so I could be challenged here.  The Lord will not tempt, but life will.  I was challenged by nicotine, challenged by alcohol, challenged by stress and challenged by patience.  I wound up having a great conversation that I wouldn’t have had otherwise.  The Lord also revealed to me that the thing I was upset about to begin with was completely outside my control, so why stress?

I lean hard on my faith every day, harder still on days like yesterday, and He has consistently walked if not carried me through them with a 100% success rate.  Even when I may not realize He is carrying me, when I wake up the next day with air in my lungs and a whomp whomp whomp in my chest, I know He is there by my side and has never let me go.  Thank God for God!

32 Now they were on the road, going up to Jerusalem, and Jesus was going before them; and they were amazed. And as they followed they were afraid. Then He took the twelve aside again and began to tell them the things that would happen to Him: 33 “Behold, we are going up to Jerusalem, and the Son of Man will be betrayed to the chief priests and to the scribes; and they will condemn Him to death and deliver Him to the Gentiles; 34 and they will mock Him, and scourge Him, and spit on Him, and kill Him. And the third day He will rise again.”

Mark 10:32-34

When it came time this morning to open the good book and work on my devotionals, I was brought to the verses above. Now I’m not equating my trials with that of Jesus or the disciples, but to me there’s a similar lesson here. God guides, Jesus leads, and the Holy Spirit walks beside us. The path isn’t guaranteed to be paved with gold. When we follow Him whatever transpires in our travels is for our good and His glory.

I could only imagine the reaction I’d have had to these exact same situation BEFORE I was saved, when my words and actions were lead by a fallen world. My temper had a hair trigger when it came to plans being changed outside my control. At least back then the cars still had spare tires, but I digress! I am changed because He changed me, and continues to do so.

These tests, these trials, the path I’m on is actively cutting away dead weight and the dependencies of the world. What a merciful God! I don’t know what is next, I don’t know what tomorrow holds, but I have faith in Him now and forever.

God bless!

Posted in Cars, Faith | Leave a comment

Evangelism and The Lord’s Prayer

Posted on March 10, 2023 by SJ

Now folks, when I was born, I was baptized into the Roman Catholic faith. I thank God and my family for that decision as it instilled a structure of morals into me, of which I managed to not violate about 83% of in my younger years. But with that faith came some education. I can’t recall much of CCD, but I do remember the prayers.

A common misconception I’ve heard in the field of Evangelical Christianity is that we aren’t supposed to pray the “Our Father.” What was proclaimed by Christ in Matthew 6:9-13 was simply a structure, a lesson how HOW we should pray to God – but not WHAT we SHOULD pray. Instead, we should ONLY practice open, specific, free form and flowing prayer for ourselves and others. I agree we should pray in such a manner, but…

“Therefore do not be like them. For your Father knows the things you have need of before you ask Him. In this manner, therefore, pray:

Our Father in heaven,
Hallowed be Your name.
10 Your kingdom come.
Your will be done
On earth as it is in heaven.
11 Give us this day our daily bread.
12 And forgive us our debts,
As we forgive our debtors.
13 And do not lead us into temptation,
But deliver us from the evil one.
For Yours is the kingdom and the power and the glory forever. Amen.

Matthew 6:8-13

The criticism comes as some folks will focus on Matthew 6:7 but entirely dismiss the rest of this chapter!

And when you pray, do not use vain repetitions as the heathen do. For they think that they will be heard for their many words.

Matthew 6:7

Let me state clearly, I do not believe there is any prayer to God that should not be made. Call me crazy but if you want to say the “Our Father” at a point in your life when what some might consider a deeper or more artfully worded prayer to be a better option. YOU GO RIGHT AHEAD AND PRAY THE “OUR FATHER.” Have we forgotten one simple truth here?

God knows our hearts. This verse is convicting the street preachers who repeat the prayers to be SEEN praying. To them, CHRIST is SECOND to their vanity and being SEEN. Are we considering the “Our Father” vain repetition here? Is Jesus asking us for vanity here as some seem to think? OF COURSE NOT. HE IS TEACHING US HOW TO PRAY. Yes it is a structure BUT IT IS ALSO A PRAYER!

Before I was saved, at more than a few points in my life where I was engulfed in worry and concern for myself or others, there were moments where from the moment I got into my car to when I arrived at the hospital, I was praying that prayer over and over again. There were other times where I prayed conversationally. Both times, GOD HEARD ME BECAUSE I WAS PRAYING TO HIM!

I’ll make one thing clear here – I mentioned “before I was saved.” In Isaiah 59:1-2, we see the following which indicates that those who have been so blinded by sin that they cannot see God, He will not hear those sinners. So He stitched me together in my mothers womb, but once the weaving was done He turned his back to me? Hooey!

Behold, the Lord’s hand is not shortened,
That it cannot save;
Nor His ear heavy,
That it cannot hear.
But your iniquities have separated you from your God;
And your sins have hidden His face from you,
So that He will not hear.

Isaiah 59:1-2

Someone who seeks God will SEE God. Jesus shared His table with sinners. If you seek Him, HE WILL HEAR YOU. What that passage says is that those who refuse to turn away from their sin will not be heard, but can we be honest for a second? If you’re thinking about God, if you’re turning towards Him even .0000000000001%, HE HEARS YOU. If you’re fully engulfed in sin, you aren’t looking for God, and probably aren’t praying to Him. Blasphemy doesn’t count.

So before I was saved, God’s hand was absolutely in my life. He didn’t wait 39 years to see me or hear me, to guide me or discipline me, but He was right there next to me the whole time and it was only when I fully turned from my past sin did I fully see HIM and PRAISE HIM for His grace and mercy in my life which began before I was even an embryo.

Back to my original point. Even if the “Our Father” did not cover the nuance of my needs, THE FATHER UNDERSTOOD. It doesn’t matter whether man understood my need or my prayer, because I grabbed the red phone and dialed up a direct line to JESUS CHRIST. I realize I am jumping around a bit here but this section of scripture needs to consumed entirely to understand.

“And when you pray, you shall not be like the hypocrites. For they love to pray standing in the synagogues and on the corners of the streets, that they may be seen by men. Assuredly, I say to you, they have their reward.

Matthew 6:5

So what did we have here, Pharisees out in the streets, praying repetitively not for God to hear them or to know their needs in those moments, TO BE SEEN. Well as Jesus said, they have their reward, for they were most assuredly seen. They prayed loudly to God, they prayed repeatedly to God, they prayed openly to God, but their eyes were on themselves! They did not seek HIS glory, but their own!

But you, when you pray, go into your room, and when you have shut your door, pray to your Father who is in the secret place; and your Father who sees in secret will reward you openly.

Matthew 6:6

What is the takeaway here? What should the takeaway be here? It’s not that you should JUST pray openly, or JUST pray secretly, or that the “Our Father” is OK to pray, it is that you PRAY. You PRAY to His glory! You PRAY to GOD! You set your eyes on HIM when you do it. HE knows your heart before you even ASK. My advice to anyone when another suggests that we should not or must not pray the “Our Father?”

Pray for them, and say an “Our Father” while you’re at it.

God bless.

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Don’t hold on to the past.

Posted on March 6, 2023 by SJ

As I woke up this morning, images started flashing through my mind. The previous day, I had asked God to reveal sin in me that I wasn’t aware of, or was willfully ignoring. Boy, did He ever answer that prayer.

When I was born again, my sins were washed clean in the blood of the lamb. 100% forgiven. Whatever stupid thing I did in my previous life was forgiven. They were absolutely forgiven, but not forgotten. They were a part of who I was (emphasis on past tense here).

Now any time I was hungry, angry, lonely, or tired – the enemy would pick one or more of these memories out of the pile, one of these sins, and throw it right back in my life. DO YOU SEE THIS? DO YOU SEE HOW IT MAKES YOU FEEL? YOU DON’T DESERVE SALVATION.

The problem I discovered just today through God’s grace, is that I was holding on to those memories, to those sins. I kept them tucked away like keepsakes, and any time I felt a certain way I’d drag them out to get a quick sin fix. It’s forgiven, right? What’s wrong with that?

Everything.

Here I am on my way to the promised land, but there I go longing for Egypt again. Embracing the momentary, the fleeting rush and pleasure that sin provides while ignoring that I was a slave to it. My sin was covetousness. I coveted those sins like a memento.

The Holy Spirit was loud within me this morning. Every time I tried to shut down the line of thought myself it brought more up to the surface. Only when I turned to God, asked forgiveness for my covetousness, and that He take those thoughts captive did the seas calm.

I’m actually eager to see what He will find next in me. I can be oblivious at times, and that is when I need His light to shine on the darkness in me so we can remove it together.

And He said to them, “Take heed and beware of covetousness, for one’s life does not consist in the abundance of the things he possesses.”

Luke 12:15 NKJV

Thank you, Jesus.

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Decaffeination 2023

Posted on March 2, 2023 by SJ

On a given day, I will have 2-3 large coffees plus at least one Monster Zero energy drink. On days I work from home, I’ll have two cups from my coffee machine and a Monster around 3-4pm. When I’m at work, I usually have a Monster while I’m driving in, then at least two large coffees from the coffee shop in the corporate park where I work.

On average, each day I consume about 600mg of caffeine.

The other day? I just stopped. To my surprise, I haven’t collapsed into a coma.

Day 1 – Up at 7:30am. Pretty normal up until mid-day, that’s when the headache began and the brain fog kicked in. I was asleep by 9pm.

Day 2 – Up at 5:30am. The brain fog was *HEAVY* and I felt completely lethargic. I’d have to take a short walk every hour just to clear the cobwebs. The headache was still there but ibuprofen helped. Asleep by 9pm.

Day 3 – Up at 7:30am. The fog was gone, the lethargy was gone, a slight headache remained but I actually felt peppy. Quite a bit of difficulty getting to sleep though, I think I turned in around 11pm.

Day 4 – Today. Up at 5:30am. I feel normal. Slight headache remains but my energy levels feel like before I eliminated the caffeine. Decaf isn’t bad, especially since they brew it fresh for me right there. I’ve mainly drank tea at this point. My focus is good, no fog yet, we’ll see how it goes.

Not sure how long I’ll try this, I’ll give it a week or two before I return to form, but I think I’ll be consuming MUCH less caffeine at that point. The first two days were awful, and I’ve no desire to go through that withdrawal again.

God bless!

Posted in Ramblings... | Leave a comment

I am finally confronting my pain.

Posted on February 12, 2023 by SJ

For the past week I’ve been involved in a church group revolving around servant and leadership training within the church.  From before it began, I was afraid to try it out.  I’ve held my path with the Lord since I was saved a few years ago.  Much has changed.  Just today it dawned on me that a year ago today, I was still living in Pine Island, in my old house.  I can’t recall if I had any prospects, if the folks who eventually signed the contract were in the picture yet.  My future was, as Sarah Connor put it, a dark highway at night.

Now I’m sitting on my old couch in a new house that I’ve just purchased.  I am being pushed beyond my comfort zone by engaging with people again.  I’d always had a short list of friends over the years but the vast majority of my life was one of solitude.  I’m now 900 miles away from my family, those friendships I cultivated over decades, my step-kids.  One of the driving factors to me coming down here was to try something new.  Go big or go home.  When my dad passed, I took stock of my life and realized that I didn’t take enough chances in my life.  I played it safe for far too long, safe, and alone.

All my life I feared loss.  So many relationships I ended pre-emptively before I got hurt while others I rode out to the bitter end and spent countless hours trying to figure out what I’d done wrong.  All of them provided lessons to learn from and grow from.  At the end of the day though, I was alone.

So at this group, the first night of a year long process, I sat and listened as the other men introduced themselves and shared a brief summary of their life, who they were before Christ, and who they are today.  As the conversations got closer to where I sat, I started to break down.  Eventually it became too much and I left the room for a few minutes to regain control of my emotions.  I had no desire to become a blubbering fool in a room full of strangers but I was about to confront a truth of my life to date that I have been lying about for over a decade at this point.

Many times in this blog, on Facebook, to friends and loved ones I have stated unequivocally that while I am alone, I am not lonely.  I was making the most of it.  Surviving it.  Thriving even.  My friends, that was a flat out lie.  I didn’t realize I was lying though.  On the surface I have a successful career.  I had new friendships in my old neighborhood that still exist to this day, but behind the smiles and laughs and good conversations I was as miserable as I had ever been in my life.  Now this isn’t a woe is me post, this is a come to Jesus post.  Christ saved me.  He restored my family.  He carried me through every moment.

He sat beside me in my denial, leading me down a path where 900 miles from home and amongst strangers, I would openly share and confront my pain.  I would become what I called at the time a blubbering fool, but in reality Christ was shining a light on an aspect of my life that sat in the shadows for far too long.  The denial of my pain lead me to sin.  Instead of relationships, I sought hookups.  I engaged in situations with people who could distract me from my pain and prolong my suffering.  Good people came into my life and I chose my pain over them.  A few years ago I dated a wonderful woman who lived in Georgia.  A few weeks after I moved here, she moved back to New York.

The irony isn’t lost on me.  Back when I was dating her, I said I’d planned to move south in 2-3 years.  3 years later I did it, but she’d moved on justifiably.  I can’t blame her.  I just hope she knows how sorry I am that I chose my pain instead of her.

So after the first meeting, I went to church and after the service they always have a meal for the congregants where we have fellowship and break bread with one another.  I had a brief conversation with one of the men in the group who thanked me for sharing my pain with the group.  Then I made up a BS excuse for heading home.  I hopped in my car and began the 20 minute drive back home when the Holy Spirit decided to chime in.  “Sam, you have confronted that you are incredibly lonely.  I have guided you to good people and an end to your loneliness, and you left.  Duh?”  Yes my friends, the Holy Spirit flat out convicted me on once again choosing my pain, and punctuated it with the classic “Duh?”

Every day is a struggle.  I am engaging in conversation, bible study, and growth with good Godly men and women, and my first instinct is to RUN FOR MY PAIN.  Every time I hop in my car, by the time I’ve opened the garage and turned the key to leave I already have a dozen reasons not to go.  I sit in this group and start participating only to silence myself as I come up with even more reasons to quit.  I am unbelievably lonely, the path is laid out before me with giant glowing arrows and a gigantic neon sign blinking “DUH?”

So there is my confession friends.  I’m alone, and I am incredibly lonely.  The quick fixes do not work anymore.  Sin is not a long-term solution.  Christ is.  Fellowship is.  Every single day I am struggling to overcome my nature, the pain I have clung to dearly in order to live this life to the full.  I don’t know if I have hope of meeting a woman again.  Maybe I will, maybe I won’t.  I simply cannot let the anhedonia win, lest I become the sad clown laughing on the outside and crying within again.  I don’t know what is next for me, but I do know that God has lit my path and all I need to do is take one step at a time.

That’s where I am now.  Fighting against my pain.  Struggling against my nature.  Surrounded by good people who can fill the empty spaces and praying to God that one day I can share my new home with just one person with whom I can be completely myself and whole.  Until then, I will continue to climb.

Everything is insurmountable until we start to climb.  Praise God for carrying me this far.

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A brief message on anger and pushing buttons…

Posted on February 3, 2023 by SJ

19 [a]So then, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath; 20 for the wrath of man does not produce the righteousness of God.

James 1:19-20

Generally I am a peaceful person. I am normally not quick to anger, which is a drastic difference compared to the person I was before I was saved by Christ. I’m not immune to it as I discovered yesterday. To be blunt, a person set me off rapidly and it took far too much human effort to overcome it and keep myself from literally exploding in anger.

This carried through the day. I’ve got triggers, we all do. I might bury them deep and struggle to be slow to anger at times, but while God will not hit those triggers, once I let the enemy get his hooks in I allowed it to pretty much ruin my day. HALT was in full effect. We are more likely to sin when we are Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired.

I was definitely hungry, but even after lunch – no chance of avoiding it as I was already angry. Lonely? Yup. Been lonely for a decade. Tired? Yup. I’m doing a ton of planning, packing, purging, moving, etc… as I prepare to move in to my new home. It was the perfect emotional and spiritual cocktail to push me to the edge of losing myself in anger.

What did it? What was the trigger? Someone kept talking over me. All day. I’d be in the middle of speaking, and they would immediately start talking. Not only would they start talking, they would keep talking, faster and louder than I was. This went on for nearly the entire day until I finally packed up my things and left the office for the day to cool down.

It’s the second time this year I actually got pissed off. Last time it was due to an overzealous parking attendant/security guard at my office. That’s how frequently I get legitimately angry. I’d rather it was never, but I’d say twice a year compared to my previous life (before Christ) where the tiniest things would set me off and I would stew for days.

Now in the middle of this I struggled to be slow to speak. The few times I raised my voice louder than my normal cadence I managed to get to complete a sentence, but more often than not when our voices overlapped, I’d get loud, then I’d shut up, turn away, and stew… usually mumbling expletives to myself as I simmered.

Early on, I should have turned to scripture, I should have turned to prayer. I failed spectacularly at that as the enemy got his hooks in and no matter how many times I silenced myself, or went for a walk, it wasn’t leaving any time soon. On the way home after the cortisol levels returned to normal, I had time to find clarity and re-center myself on Christ.

I prayed for forgiveness from God for losing my temper (albeit I managed to keep a rattling lid on it the best I could, I strongly DISLIKE that feeling). I forgave the person who set me off, and then I let go of it. We’ve all got triggers, we all get angry, we all sin – but the advantage we have as believers are that in those heated moments Christ is right there with us ready for us to allow Him to restore our peace.

We just need to remember to look to Him in those moments. Yesterday, I failed at that, but just like the prodigal son when I turned away from my anger and what was pushing me down – there He was, ready to free me from my own self-inflected anger. The person who set me off wasn’t the cause of my anger, I was. I could have turned from it, but I didn’t.

Lesson learned. I thank God for being there when I finally got over myself and moved on.

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Luke 23:42-43

Posted on January 29, 2023 by SJ

I was attending church earlier today where the discussion was focused on John 4, but my mind was elsewhere. Luke 23:42-43 was weighing on me as I contemplated all the faith we carry in a lifetime of living and serving the Lord. At the end, it’s all about having faith. It’s not about words or deeds, it’s not about how long we have believed but that we do believe. It’s not whether we choose to lead a flock or follow it, it is faith in Christ. I had a daydream where I pictured my last moments and I opened my eyes to find myself beside Christ on Calvary, hung from a cross as He proclaims “it is finished” and breathes his last. I’m not sure where that came from but it had a powerful impact on me as I was engulfed in light and snapped back to the discussion at hand. Every single one of us who believes in God and has faith in Christ is the thief on the cross. We are all prodigal sons. We are all sinners, and we all will struggle against sin, but the key to surviving to obtain eternal life is faith. What if at the end when Christ tells us “well done, my good and faithful servant” He is acknowledging that despite the world which engulfs us, we chose Him instead? I crave humility. I struggle to listen without speaking. I just know that a few years ago I decided to acknowledge the King of Kings and ask him to remember me in His kingdom.

Then he said to Jesus, “Lord, remember me when You come into Your kingdom.” And Jesus said to him, “Assuredly, I say to you, today you will be with Me in Paradise.”

God bless!

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Georgia, Round 2.

Posted on January 26, 2023 by SJ

Before I get started with my post, I’d like to share something that’d been on my mind for a bit.

“Salvation is not about closing doors.  Salvation is about opening them.  That’s why Jesus knocks.” I have a whole blog post pivoting off that, but it’s not ready yet, so pardon while I fire up a tangent.

About a year ago I was still deep within the throws of trying to find a new place in GA. I’d gone through 30 houses in 2 months. I had offers accepted on 2, only to back out because the homes had some serious issues that were only highlighted AFTER I had driven/flown to GA and saw what the inspector exposed / the realtor hid. Zoom viewing fail.

The whole time, friends, family, and total strangers were saying “Why are you so quick to buy, maybe rent?” That was God trying to smack some sense into me. He knew better than I did, and was desperately trying to get me to realize it as such. It’s no coincidence that after I decided to rent, within a day I found the home I’ve lived in for the past year.

So the plan I had at that point (man plans, God laughs notwithstanding), was to rent for about a year and when my lease came up, buy a house, as I’d hoped by then the market would have gotten a little less silly. Shockingly enough, when interest rates and inflation spike, people are less likely to outbid me by throwing piles of cash at a place I want, sight unseen.

So yeah, the interest rates aren’t great, so homes have been staying on the market longer than they have been the past few years. Sellers have been lowering prices. They’ve been making concessions to buyers. Homes that were outside my comfortable purchase price range were entering my price range every day. That’s when I stumbled across this place:

It’s a mile from where I’m renting (3 if you drive and aren’t cutting through back yards), checks nearly every single box, and to say the process went smoothly would be an understatement. There are a handful of things I need to repair, but in the grand scheme of things, it’s a home run when it comes to what I wanted when I moved south for the ever.

Now one prayer I’ve made since this entire process began went something like this…

“Lord, if this is in your will then please let it proceed – but if it is not in your will, please make it impossible.” He did just that back when I was trying to buy a year ago. Renting? A breeze. I said I’d looked at 30 houses over the course of two months. This time? I looked at a half dozen homes. This one was top of my list, the last I looked at. Now it’s mine. Praise God!

I’ve got another two weeks or so until I move in fully, in the mean time I’ll be moving stuff over, handling various repairs, and cleaning my rental in the hopes that I’ll get some of my security deposit back.

My Georgia adventure continues!

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