Today is officially “Will I have to choke the shit out of someone?” day

I’ll tack on Saturday night, just for added flavor however. Saturday, I’m on Route 15 S in Jefferson Township on my way to Route 80 (was going to Tonic in Lake Hopatcong, may go back this week, not a bad club really, just a bunch of people who don’t know how to dance, bouncing around to really bad hip-hop.) Anyhow, I’m going along at about 60mph when I start to catch up to a silver Nissan Altima which has slowed down to less than 50mph. I pull into the left lane to pass, and they accelerate hard up to about 65mph. I stay there for a minute, then pull back into the right lane… Then they slow down again to about 50mph. Something definitely wasn’t right about the situation, and after seeing them jerk the wheel hard a few times, and nearly swerve off the road, I called 911. Now mind you, I don’t know Jersey that well, I had no idea where I was besides the road I was on. The car in front has now slowed down to about 30mph in a 55 zone, perhaps trying to get me to pass them. No way in HELL I am letting them get behind me… DAMN IT I JUST SPILLED CHINESE MUSTARD ON MY BRAND NEW FUCKING LEVIS WHILE TYPING THIS…(pause)…(mumble under my breath)… So they pull into the Mobil Station on 15 South in Jefferson. I pull over on the shoulder just before the entrance to the gas station, still on the phone with 911 and now a Jefferson dispatcher. I explain everything, give the plate number, etc… then start to pull away after they hang up. I see the Mobil attendant looking at my car weird as I pull away. THEN GUESS WHO GETS STOPPED ON SUSPICION OF DRUNK DRIVING!? Turns out the people who were in front of me, ALSO called the Police… ON ME, and with the help of the attendant at the Mobil station who got my plate number, I get pulled over. I talk to the Officer and he can tell I’m perfectly normal, I explain everything that just happened, where I’m going, etc… He radios in and confirms that the Nissan’s driver was high as a fucking kite. “Thanks for the help sir, have a good evening.” With that the Cop let me go.

So I make a point to get to bed early Sunday night, so I can be in to work before 8, get as much work done as I can before the snow possibly starts falling. That’s a first, the fortune in my fortune cookie is sealed into the seam in the pouch… and the identical fortune is in the cookie. Wow, 1.5 fortunes for me today… Anyhow, I wake up at 2am to these EXTREMELY painful cramps. My fault, as nobody should have a Boca burger doused with Blair’s After-Death sauce 2 hours before bedtime. I ended up being awake for nearly an hour in some obscene amounts of pain. When I wake up at 6:30am, I don’t want to move. I set the alarm for 7…7:30…8:00 and I’m up. I get to the shower, and the hot water doesn’t get there for 10 minutes… I started taking the shower after waiting 2 minutes… So I get out onto Pulaski, nobody on my ass, nobody out in front, the road is clear. I hit the 35mph zone in Goshen, and some stupid bitch in a Hyundai comes flying up behind me. So far I haven’t slept well, woke up to bad cramps, took a cold shower, and now this moron is tailgating me. At that point I just rolled down my window and flipped the bitch off. I wasn’t about to expunge any more effort the way the day was going. Today is definitely my Karma kick in the ass for something I must have missed. So we get up to where the Goshen PD usually has their speed traps… and the Hyundai backs off a few car-lengths. By the end of the speed zone, I get on the gas again, and when I finally reach the intersection (waiting for another moron in a Volvo who apparently believes that if a car is 100 yards away, they’re too close for them to turn onto 17A…) So they pull out, I’ve got plenty of space between myself and a line of cars that is coming… But I wait…and I wait… and at the last conceivable moment where I could pull out without forcing the oncoming traffic to slow, I floor it onto 17A and leave the idiot in the Hyndai to be stuck behind a line of slower traffic. ENJOY!

So I get into the office this morning. I’m actually asked by someone if they can install SPYWARE on their computer. Same guy I had to repeat everything to on Friday. I managed to hide at my desk most of the morning, catching up on a few projects… Go to sip from my coffee and find a dead gnat in it. DAMN IT. A little later I decide to go to lunch before the rush. I pull into the CVS parking lot, find a real nice spot, and go to get lunch. As I’m walking back to my car from lunch, another moron nearly clips me as she has places to go and people to see, I’m sure. Why people are intent on speeding through crowded parking lots is beyond my level of comprehension I suppose. So I get back to my car, I start the engine, and then feel it. BUMP. I look in my rearview, and see a 17 year old girl, a 17 year old boy, and a brand new Mitsubishi Eclipse Spyder behind me. Bitch hit my car! I get out, must have been a shock to them to actually see the guy whose car they just hit, rise out and stand a good 12 inches taller than the tallest person in their car (I love these Engineer boots by the way, they make me 6’4” tall). Our exchange went like this:

“You just hit my car.”
“Back this thing up, your license plate frame is pressed into my car.” She proceeds to back up, I verify there is no damage on my car, and then tell her “Be careful when you park that thing.” I think the boy was about ready to piss his pants. I’m really sick of these little piss ants whose parents buy them a new car when they barely know how to drive, and get over 200hp at their command. I’m not quite sure how I would have reacted if they had actually damaged my car, but it wouldn’t have been entertaining (for them).

So I start to leave the lot, and proceed to get cut off by 3 other SUV’s which apparently don’t understand the concept of a stop sign OR a seat belt. I pull out onto 17A, see a line of cars and SEMI’s waiting to turn right, so I get in the left lane. I drive through the light, and as the 2 lane merge begins to close down to 1 lane, the jackass behind me in a brand new Accord with Jersey plates puts on his right turn signal AND GOES TO PASS ME. I pull a bit to the right to block, he pulls further. I then just take over the remaining space in the merge and after he tailgates me for a moment (at that point, if the dumb mother fucker had actually gotten alongside me, he would have been on the shoulder all the way to Florida) he backs off. With the remaining space in the merge, and the line of traffic I was in, the only possible way he could have gotten past me was to ram my car out of the way. It was a stupid thing to try.

And now… My new jeans have a greenish stain in them from the yellow mustard that exploded out of the packet.

So again I ask… Am I going to have to choke the shit out of some dumb mother fucker today?

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