There’s a hole in the world…

Besides being one of my favorite episodes of the series “Angel” that line has been looping through my head the past couple weeks, over and over again. There’s a hole in my world. There’s a hole in me.

For a long time I’ve tried to fill it. Fill it with toys, fill it with distraction, friends, and for more than a few lucky years – love. Of course, toys and distractions are easier to obtain and keep than friends or love.

I’ve been through my share of both. It seems that just when I think I know what I’m doing, that I know what I want and I’m ready to take the next step in this funny little life of mine – the hole gets deeper, wider, and just more empty.

I’m not a generally happy person. I keep to myself for the most part and try not to affect those around me too much if I can’t. But still, I’ve got a mouth on me, and while it has the glorious ability to fill a room with laughter – it hasn’t done much to fill the hole in me.

Not much I’ve done has filled the hole, I just go on, do my own thing, and take life a day at a time. Dare to dream? I’d lie if I said I don’t have dreams, but my biggest problem is resting my trust in another person to help them come true.

Recently I was on a set track. I had a house and a wedding on the way, a few months down the road I would have found my dreams realized. Then the hole got bigger. Sadly, it was too big for both of us to handle, and it all came to an abrupt end. It happens.

Most of my peers reacted with shock, my family was shocked, I finally escaped the disbelief in time to find myself here in my little apartment, alone again, wondering what the heck this silly little world has in store for me next.

I really have no idea. Stability is not a theme in my life, either I mix it up through my own impatience or it just gets tossed into a shaker glass beyond my control. I’ve been fairly numb lately on the outside – but inside I can still hear part of me scream at this unplanned foreclosure of my latest dream.

So be it, I’m not to find satisfaction or peace just by sitting idly by and waiting for it to come along and land in my lap. Too long I’ve just taken what fate has granted without question. So here I go again, to quote my favorite singer. To anyone who’s worried – don’t worry. I’m not going anywhere. I’ll be alright.

I always am. I’ve still got my dreams.

I have spread my dreams under your feet. Tread softly, for you tread on my dreams.

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