Such has been the rebel yell heartily shouted from the front porch of my home as asshat after fuckwad blows by my address well over the 40mph limit.
So I’m outside tonight, enjoying a beverage with my buddies when it happens. I nearly broke out into a fit of uncontrollable giggles for that brief moment when I knew what was about to happen.
Lady and her kid apply their left turn signal, slow down, and start to pull into my driveway.
Straight out of Goshen comes a blazing SUV driven by some witless moron who proceeds to cross the double yellow, pass her on the left, and broadside her front fender. Moments later, the SUV slams on the brakes (she was doing at least 60mph) and comes to a stop.
Oh fit of joy! I swear I think I danced a jig of glee on my way to the road. I swear, seeing morons get bit by karma just warms my cockles.
Now my friends, I know the people who travel on my road as well as I know every square inch of my glorious naked body. They’re morons. They speed. I know because years ago when I had no clue, I did the same thing.
So I’m at the road, the woman in the SUV who was forced to slam on the brakes after striking the car jumps out of her SUV whips her arms out in a “WHY THE FUCK DID YOU MAKE ME HIT YOU” motion and starts yelling. Oh nay, not on my watch.
I huff my chest out and scream with sheer unadulterated rage…
‘WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU DOING, IT’S 40 MPH HERE YOU ASSHOLE, THERE ARE KIDS ON THIS ROAD, WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING!?”
“Ok, how about we all just calm down,” says the clueless SUV driver.
“I’LL CALM DOWN WHEN YOU PEOPLE STOP FUCKING SPEEDING, ERIC, GET MY PHONE.”
So I make sure the lady and the boy in the car are OK, and wait for Police to arrive. They get there a minute or so later. I make a point to apologize to the woman in the car for flipping out, expressing my absolute disgust with morons like the one in the SUV who hit her.
The gem of the story, the beauty of it, the piese de’ resistance as our loyal allies the French would say… Is that afterwards, the BMW drove off. The SUV, a full-size Nissan, lay disabled in a neighbor’s driveway, unable to continue.
But wait, it’s better…
AAA won’t tow her. She’s been involved in an accident. POLICE TOWING, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
I tell ya, days like these I’m proud to be an American.