Can’t say I’ve ever really been a positive or happy person, in general I think my emotional progress peaked at “content.” I don’t go against the flow, or with the flow, I just bob on the surface… I don’t lean left or right, I just play the averages, avoid extremes, avoid latching on to anything for too long.
I’ m bored. I can’t really put into words just how bored I am, but it’s both excruciating and comforting at the same time. There’s a lot of freedom to be had in not giving a crap about anyone or anything, but one huge side effect is of course boredom.
All the stuff I used to enjoy now bores the crap out of me. I’ve never been able to focus on just one thing at a time, so now I find myself focusing on many things at once all of which bore the crap out of me.
Video games were always my hobby, any time life gave me lemons I fired up the ‘ol Xbox and buried myself in a world where I didn’t share a house with someone I’m trying to divorce but won’t fucking leave me alone, where I had little tasks and jobs that actually excited me and got my brain working… I could never just play a game though, I always needed something else going on, either music or something on TV.
Right now, I’m actively playing Sim City, Defiance, Just Cause 2, Fallout New Vegas, and Mass Effect 3. None of them can keep me interested for long. Eventually I get bored, and my attention focuses on something shiny… It used to be an escape, now it’s just another pile of things to do… like pay bills, mow the lawn, do the laundry, clean my room… it’s relentless.
Most days and nights when I’m not taking care of necessary things I’m in my room, like a goddamned teenager. Laying down, watching TV (while playing a game on my laptop, my ipad, or my android tablet), endlessly switching through games hoping something will light a fire in me and at least make the days not seem so long.
I’ll go out still… most days I’ll go to my favorite bar or the local coffee shop… Whichever one I’m at, whether I’m eating, drinking, or both – I’ve got some electronic device on me where I can read the news or play some pointless little game to pass the time. I even talk to people – something I never really had a problem doing – but now when I talk to them I genuinely don’t care where the conversation goes, what it’s about… I just play the part and move on.
Hell, I used to love getting on my motorcycle and just ride it from dawn till dusk, and as was the case last summer – right through till dawn again (1200 miles on a bike with a 2.9 gallon fuel tank, who’s hardcore now?). Music, politics, games, religion, the great outdoors… I don’t give a crap. Last night I was watching “The Family Man” – a Nic Cage movie from 2000… I got about halfway through it, up to the part where he started to see how happy his ‘other self’ actually was with the life he didn’t want… I’m sick of seeing that hollywood happiness, it’s a load of crap. I could just sit in my room and watch the pull string on the ceiling fan swirl around all day and get as much satisfaction (read: none) from my day as if I actually did something that involved using my brain.
So yeah… there’s a world outside my window, and I honestly could care less. The only thing I’m hoping for at this point, if anything – is for my ‘instant family’ to finally leave and take their goddamned psychosis with them. I have enough trouble sorting out the crap in my head without having to guess when the next bipolar outburst is going to have me wishing I had a damned escape ladder in my room so I can find a nice quiet place to escape to. Maybe a new job where I can make enough to move out, hire a lawyer instead of a mediator and put this shit to rest forever. I can’t tell you how much I’m waiting to start making alimony payments. I’d sell a nut today if I could start paying alimony tomorrow.
Hell, I think I’d feel better if I knew more divorced people. Last one I knew was a coworker, and that crazy SOB moved to RUSSIA to get away from the bullshit. My grandfather divorced my grandmother, my uncle divorced his wife, but they’re all dead. My wife… I’m really sick of calling her that… she’s divorced, but hardly an expert as her problems became mine and generally speaking I’m going to blame her for my current state of being until I’m free of her and can’t use her crap as a bullshit justification for my crap.
Recently I ran into my ex (who is divorced) twice at the local coffee shop. Thankfully I wasn’t spat on or hissed at either time, honestly I didn’t even recognize her either time until I was ready to leave. I’d ask her how her divorce went, but the last time I said hello she emailed my parents and brother to accuse me of doing some pretty vile shit… None of which was true, as anyone who actually has to support a family and raise kids doesn’t generally have the time to do what she thought I was doing. I always figured that, and her spitting / hissing at me was an attempt to evoke a reaction, start a conversation… but that leads me back to the whole ‘perks of not giving a crap’ thing. I don’t care. Spit on me, hiss at me, try to make people think I’m the bogeyman outside your window while I’m busy being a “dad” – shrug. Have ya considered saying “Hi?” lol.
I want to be left alone and rescued at the same time. Nothing interests me anymore, but at the same time if I actually get invited to do something… the effort required to actually do it is excruciatingly exhausting. There’s no bright sides anymore, just a few things I’m waiting to happen so maybe my life will be a little less crappy and a whole lot less complex.
I need something new, I know I’m looking… I must still care at some level if part of me hopes that one day I’ll actually be able to see the sun again through this foggy haze of bullshit, boredom, and apathy that’s become my security blanket. No clue what it is, where it is, but there’s got to be more to life than walking into the same old walls every day just to see how much less I can care once the swelling from the impact finally subsides.
I’ve still got some hope left… no fucking clue why… but until I discover the justification for that hope I guess I’m just perfectly content not giving a shit about anyone or anything.