On dating after 40…

I am 41 year old divorcee, have a great job, live comfortably, and after nearly a decade of living on my own… am very hesitant to compromise that. That does not mean I will not compromise, but generally speaking I am in my 40s and single – there is a reason. Even now I am certain that there is one woman out there whom I will yield completely to. No games, no nonsense.

Walls down, heart open.

I had my wild phase where I did a lot of stupid things, partied until 5am, ran up my “list” because I simply did not care about anything other than right now. It cost me a lot, and it taught me a lot. Anyone who cannot look back on their life and laugh, cry, or cringe – has not lived. I do not have regrets, I have lessons. Many, many… MANY lessons.

I had a marriage that obviously did not end well – at the time – but turned into a friendship I would not trade for anything. In the time since – I have had all of 2 “relationships.” One lasted a couple of months, the other lasted a couple of weeks. The latter – again – started and ended with a lasting friendship. Some say men and women can not be friends, I say hogwash.

Good friends are good friends.

There are very few people in my “circle” who are not married at this point. I would say 50% of them have kids. I absolutely love my step-kids from my marriage. Life changes, people grow. Back in the day I always had that dream of “settling down” – wife, house, 2.5 kids (.5 being a cat because I am sorry but dogs are too freaking high maintenance). Did not happen.

I have tried dating. I don’t like dating. While I am perfectly happy taking someone special out, dating simply is not real.  It’s an audition, and a distraction from what is real.

Sure, it is great for an introduction, but at 41 years old – in the year 2021, by the time that first traditional “date” happens, that introduction has already come and gone. Short of those “swiping right” – I have already got an idea of you, but no checklist of drinks or meals is going to cement a thing. Can I sit on a porch with you and just share this life?

I think it was an episode of “How I Met Your Mother” where Lily kept tanking Ted’s relationships because his dates did not pass the “porch” test. At 41 years of age I am past checking to see if you unlock the car door. I am over the games. Can we go out and have fun? Can we stay in and chill? Is simply being together enough, regardless of what is going on?

Sex. Good freaking grief. Anyone can have sex in 2021. I cannot think of any other time in human history where sex was as easy to obtain as a pint of ice cream from the corner store. Maybe with the right person, chemistry, and timing, it would be a bigger deal in my life, but generally speaking at this point, a woman holding my hand is more significant than sex.

Romance is not dead. I absolutely adore romance. I love being loved, and I love sharing love with others. I mentioned earlier that I cannot stand dating, and honestly I loathe it. Dating does not equal romance! Romance just is. Love just is. Either someone inspires me to be romantic, or they do not. All I want is to love, be loved, and share myself completely.

One thing that has become an absolute requirement for me has been faith. Real faith. Belief in something more than what our 5 biological senses can experience. How can anyone embrace the invisible, relentless force of love beyond the flood of chemicals released by our brain if they are unwilling to believe in the invisible, relentless presence of God in their lives?

Do not be fake. Be real. Be yourself. Even if it means that we check off 4 out of 5 boxes in our mutual list of what we want from a partner in this life… If we are not real from that first glance, that first conversation, that first moment we break wind on the couch while watching NCIS… then it is all an act. Acting is illusion and I simply do not have any patience for illusion.

I do not put my best foot forward. I put my right foot out, then my left. I do not put a mask on my life to make it mesh with someone else, I do not waste a smile by forcing it with a subtle squint to make it convincing. I am me. I do not want or need definitions. Definitions are an illusion of the world we live in. Definitions are used to justify what does not require them.

I see so many folks around my age contorting themselves in an impossible array of shapes to try and attract their ideal partner, when in reality our ideal partner will see us for who and what we are, take our hand, and walk with us. It is really not that complicated. God bless the folks who have reached that point already. God bless those of us who have yet to.

Love is the key. We withhold it, suppress it, hide it, restrict it. We list off reasons why we cannot when the only reason we are here on this Earth is to love one another. We focus on who and what we cannot love, and then cry out because our life is engulfed by the complete and utter lack of love in it. It is absolute, unadulterated, self inflected insanity.

I refuse to become jaded. Those who are jaded have spent far too much time compromising themselves and their deepest truth in the search of a companion who is not real. We exalt an illusion, and convince ourselves beyond all common sense and truth that the illusion is real. When that illusion fades away – we doubt ourselves and reject love instead of the illusion.

Love is real. Passion is fleeting. At the end of the day, when the sun sets, the lightning bugs come out, and the rest of the world turns in until the next day… I want to be sitting on that porch next to the one I may or may not have met yet. The one who requires no compromise. Whether speaking, silent, laughing, crying, or breaking wind on the couch…


She’s out there. Right now. Probably asking the same questions I am.

Love and peace to all of you. God bless.

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