I am exhausted, both mentally and physically. My brain is a Macy’s fireworks spectacular, pre-covid of course. I can’t sleep. Right now I feel like I could easily turn in. If I try, I’ll likely be exquisitely comfortable for a brief time before I give up and get back in front of a book or some electronic device in an attempt to shift my focus enough that the distraction will pacify me.
Back in December, I put my home of 10 years on the market. I think at this point I’ve had near 30 showings and two offers. The first offer was from a lovely young lady who took the time to stop and chat with me about the home and area. A few days later, she toured my home for an hour. The next day, I got a low-ball offer and she refused to budge. It was disheartening.
I worked with my realtor to re-arrange things within the house, I continued purging decades of stuff I hadn’t touched in years while packing the things I’d need moving forward. Amidst the re-organization, the house sold! My home hasn’t been this clean or organized since I moved in. All the while, I continued searching for my next home.
My job provided me with an opportunity to move south, something I’d wanted to do since I first set foot on a beach in Ocracoke, NC. I stood still. Even after a divorce and several job changes, I never took the chance. I’ve been standing still for nearly 10 years now. After I lost my Pop… I began to move. To some, the change seemed drastic, to me, it was like breathing.
I’d held my breath for a decade, and finally let it all go.
As Robert Frost once put it, and Trent Reznor later added a bit of flavor to, what I’ve learned in the past year is that the only way out, is through. I held my breath for 10 years, waiting. Time waits for no man. I sat back and watched everyone around me moving onward with their lives. Man should only wait for God. I had to finally meet Him to understand.
“The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. Instead he is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance.”2 Peter 3:9
Early on, I was impatient and it ran me into the ground. I jumped at the first opportunity I saw, hopped in my car, and drove 16 hours only to realize the mistake I was making. I was looking back. I was clutching for the familiar in an unfamiliar place. As has been the mistake I consistently repeat in my life – I looked for what was known, I looked to remain still.
I went as far as cluelessly reaching out to someone I hurt as I craved the safety of familiarity. I thank her for setting me straight. God has made it clear that if I proceed for the wrong reasons, He will wait for me to do it for the right ones. 3 years ago I said several times that I would move south in 3 years. Who knew? God did. What a great God He is.
Anyone can stand still. Anyone can do nothing. It is deceptively simple and aggravatingly stressful. Some things we are meant to stand still for. We are meant to be still and know God. We are not meant to be still to the point of self destruction. Anyone can stand still, complain, point, and sputter at the world around them.
We live in an age where people seem to pride themselves in pointing out what is wrong, without any actual effort invested in achieving what is right. Unoriginal. Boring. Banal. We stand still and cheer when things go wrong. We praise failure and decry anyone, anything that dares to take a step in any direction away from the black hole of self aggrandizing bullshit.
But I digress.
So I waited. I watched. I planned. I listened. I’ve lost track of how many homes I’ve looked at. Each setback lead me into the wind, “thy will be done, Lord” I would proclaim. But then… I found one. A few weeks from now, I will step out of this house for the last time, and begin again.
I’ll share some photos once I get settled. I thank God for providing this opportunity, and being patient with me… I’m done standing still for this world. I’m done waiting for this world. I’m taking a chance.
Time to branch out. Smell the flowers. Live.