To The Metal

This dog is a terrible cat. Why is this dog so bad at being a cat?

I guess blogging was one of the first forms of social media, I’ve been doing it since ’97 when it was still called Everything/Nothing. I still don’t know what that means or who thought it up. Over the past… 20+ years, sharing has become as easy as walking out our front door and taking a shit on the stoop.

All these people, friends and strangers, filtering down their life to individual moments, individual acts, only sharing the shit on the stoop that they want to share… the turd that doesn’t stink. The thing is, everyone’s shit stinks. Even if you have a bran muffin every day chased with probiotics.

I think I’m getting off on a tangent, but all this shit sharing seems to be the calling card of Generation Me. Fuck the “millenial” tag, this is the “Look At Me” generation. In the past, sure, you shared photographs of things you’ve seen and done. But here in 2019, you can’t have a plate of french fries without taking 40 photos only to find the right one to share.

I’ve got 1100+ posts on Instagram and if I had to guess, 83% of them are of things I’ve turned into shit on a stoop over the course of a day. I know what I’m talking about, everyone thinks I’m this great cook to the point I’m voluntold to run the grill at parties (and have to Google how the fuck to grill a steak). They don’t see all the plates that looked like crap and never made it to the public consumption phase.

Every day I walk down the street, ride on a train, drive in my car, and see people with their faces buried in their electronic devices I throw up in my mouth a little. #every #fucking #hashtag #you #use #in #the #hope #that #some #acne #ridden #chronic #masturbator #clicks #like is digital constipation to me. 3 hours on the can, and #it #still #wont #drop.

Pair up social media sharing with being lonely, and there you’ve got the real collateral damage of social media. Any time, any place, any day, the lonely can pick up a device, and despite knowing that 83% of what you’re seeing is contrived, be made to feel even more lonely. Just sitting there #knowing #that #everyone #else #is #enjoying #life #without #you #and #didn’t #even #send #an #invite…. it’s infuriating.

A little back story on me – I’ve been mostly alone since I got divorced back in 2013. Glued to social media, sharing, talking, reading, arguing, interacting… but not. In lieu of actually walking outside, clearing the stoop, and living – I’m sitting on my couch with the TV rambling on in the background, with a game paused on my laptop, I’m punching around on my phone seeing what everyone else who isn’t me, #is #doing.

What value has all this brought to my life? I’m sharing all these experiences, and not a single one of my 350 Facebook “friends” or 196 Instagram “followers” has taken a single step outside the frame to realize that I’m completely alone, depressed, anhedonic, and hiding behind a perfectly cooked ribeye. Nearly every single photo, story, or share, done alone. No group of friends behind the camera, just… me.

What value? None. Has any of this brought me joy? Meaning? Truth? Well, maybe some truth, but it’s an ugly truth. The truth is that it hasn’t helped me, if anything it’s prolonged my situation so I can keep providing these corporations with free #metadata in the guise of being social. The truth is, it’s made me consider people who I don’t see or talk to in person, who won’t ask me how I am doing, or even invite me out for a coffee – “friends.”

Oh, I’ll get an invite, to a group activity where I can blend into the background after the usual niceties are completed. It’s made me accept being handed my hat. It’s made me accept changing myself in a way that makes my personality more appropriate for public consumption.

It’s turned me into a shit, on a stoop. The 40th photo. Meta. Look at me. Last week I switched off my Facebook, today Instagram. I also quit drinking and smoking… let the healing begin.

So it’s no secret that my love of all things bad for me has resulted in a need for blood pressure medication. Not a huge deal, one pill a day keeps me from stroking out at 39.

The catch of course, is my insurance. Now I’ve had the same company through my past two employers, and neither will pay a cent towards the medication. As a result, if I rely on my insurance, it costs $300+ a month.

Enter the manufacturer of the drug, who provided a coupon for those of us in the same boat where it only costs $10 a month. That was my reality until I switched to a new plan, which required me to use their specific pharmacy, and their specific mail order.

Mind you – neither their pharmacy or mail order plan save me any money. I’d be dropping $300 to stay in the good graces of my insurer’s preference. As a result, my co pay is now $50 a month. Not earth shattering, I know, but since my insurer refuses to utter the magic words to the pharmacy, I’m another $40 out of pocket each month.

My doctor switched me from the local pharmacy to one in NJ hoping to get me a lower co-pay. Instead, it was still $50, and on top of that this new pharmacy would have rather wait until they get the aforementioned magic words before sending me the medication that keeps me from having the aforementioned stroke.

I finally say “ok, ship it to me now, I’m almost out, and we will worry about this later.” That’s all fine and dandy until month #2 comes along, and instead of shipping me anything, they’re waiting for me to call and request a shipment… They have a reminder service, that calls me in advance to get authorization, but I have to specifically request it.

Specifically request a service I didn’t know existed. Ok, whatever, so my next prescription is on its way, and then I get a call from the new pharmacy this morning. “In order to get you a lower co-pay (that we will not tell you) we have transferred your prescription to RANDOMCOMPANYNAME, so call them at this number to set things up.”

RANDOMCOMPANYNAME? Not open on Saturdays. Call their number, after a handful of rings the line goes dead. No message, no menu, etc… I’m about ready to give up and have my doctor write out the prescription to the local pharmacy, and eat the higher copay just so things stay local, predictable, and I can you know, not have a stroke.

The silent timer ticked away, days, hours, minutes, seconds, until a devastating test is carried out.  The crack in the desert floor hid everything, the secret Government complex, the truth about the oddly disfigured and dismembered animals found which dotted an invisible border around the complex…

Jack Stillson had a run of  bad luck.  He lost his wife, daughter, to a bottle he couldn’t let go of and a career driving 18-wheeler’s cross-country.  His family hadn’t seen him in over a year, and didn’t notice as he stood on the rainy street looking in the window.  Through the smoke from the cigarette in his palm, he saw the new home, with the new furniture, new pictures, and most importantly new man holding his young daughter as she was his own.  Something clicked in his head at that moment, and he began to realize exactly what he’d been missing all along.

It’d been more than a month since he had a drink, and his old habit of walking into Kelley’s Pub was a surefire way to halt any possible record.  The bartender recognized his old friend and waved him over with a sparkle in his eye.  “What’ll it be, Jack, the usual?”

“Not this time Pat, I’ll have a Coke.” The bartender stood and looked at him, astonished.  “Yes you heard me right, that’ll be just a Coke, no ice.”  Jack never understood why places put so much ice in the cup whenever he ordered a drink, after all, the beverage is already cold.  He sat there drinking his Coke and it dawned on him that he had absolutely no desire to spike it with some Rum, or even move on to something a little harder than the fizzy sugar drink.

After drinking nearly an entire six-pack of Cola, a feeling washed over Jack, almost like the excitement of his first hard-drink while his parents were off learning to square dance.  He opened up his pack of Reds and went to light up a smoke….only to tuck the cancer-stick back in the box and toss it on the bar.  Jack felt good, he didn’t know where it came from but was not about to question the rush of energy he had.  He ran through the rain, across the glistening streets, until he came to his old front-door.  The heart beating in his chest seemed to be louder than his knock at the door.  Lights clicked on inside, some distant grumbling was heard as Jennifer came to the door and opened it.  Upon site of Jack, she sighed and began to close the door again…

“Jenny, no!  Wait!”

“You know you can’t be coming around here like this Jack.”  Jenny had opened the door enough to see her ex husband, soaking wet in blue jeans, plaid shirt, and worn baseball cap, standing there with an ear to ear grin.

“All I want to know is if I can take Ashlea out tomorrow while I am in town, that is all”

“She has school tomorrow, Jack, it’s a school night, remember?  Wait, how could you, do you even know what day it is anymore?  All you think about is your next bottle and what exit the nearest bar is at…”  Jack lowered his head for a moment, but then cut off his old flame…

“Then I’ll see her first thing tomorrow to wait for the school bus.”  With that he turned around and walked away as the door slammed from behind.

The rain had since subsided, the small alarm clock in his Peterbuilt waking him from a recurrent dream…  A bright light in the desert…  the road falling out from under his rig on a mountain road…  The slide towards the light…and then he wakes up.

‘I’ve got to get to Ashlea,’ he thought to himself.  Freshening up a bit with a bottle of cologne and some spray-on deodorant, he headed off towards his daughter.

“Daddy!” His daughter ran up to him and hugged him around the waist with all her might.  “Are you back?  Are you really back?”

“I’m back for now Honey, I was hoping you’d let me wait with you for the school bus.”

They sat on the bench and talked for a few minutes until the school bus rolled up, and a rather large Monitor stepped out.  “Watch out for her Daddy, she’s Maggie and she’s very mean to everybody.”
“Mean is she?  Not to my little girl.”

Jack began to walk Ashlea around the front of the waiting bus when he was cut off halfway across the grille by Maggie.  “You know we try to teach our kids not to talk to strangers, but every once and awhile one of you weirdo’s will show up at their stop and try to take advantage of them!”

“I’m her father, and since you are not her Mother, I really have no reason to waste my time with you.”  Jack made his way around Maggie, a very portly woman in her forties who despite the laws of modern physics managed to fit herself into a skin-tight white shirt and a sky-blue pair of spandex pants.  Nobody managed to tell her off like that in the past 10 years, which is why the driver shook his hand as Maggie watched from in front of this bus.

Standing on the first step, Jack gave his little girl a hug, and wished her a good day at school.  The driver chimed in, “You really frosted Maggie, nobody’s managed to get her that fired up in years.”  The driver offered his hand, “the name’s Sam, and I do believe you’ve made the remainder of my morning uncomfortable…  Need a lift anywhere?”
“My rig is parked 2 blocks over, but I can walk…”

“So can Maggie!”
The door closed, the bus began to pull away, and Maggie’s shrill voice was drowned out by the sound of the bus’s diesel engine pulling it up the hill.

Jack waved his daughter goodbye and saw a couple of guys he knew waiting by the truck.  They had gone on to work with a major trucking company while Jack had stayed independent.  “Jack, what’re you up to.”
“Just heading back out of town Lloyd.”
“I sure hope so, you know nobody uses you indy’s anymore.”
“And nothing ever gets there on time.”
As Jack started to pull himself into the truck, he felt a slight tug on his shirt but ignored it.  Lloyd’s nameless cohort slipped an open flask of whiskey into his side pocket.  The truck fired up and pulled away.  Lloyd looked to his friend and said “The second our State Trooper finds that flask on him, we won’t have to worry about seeing his alkie ass around town again.

If I had to describe myself right now… it’s how I’ve been my whole life… I’m a turtle on fire.  When you think of a turtle what do you see in your head… Slow, persistent, keeps moving forward, and can hide in its shell if need be.  Only difference here is, my shell is on fire.  What’s a shell?  Armor.  Only it’s not steel, it’s not Kevlar, it’s not 3 inch thick plexiglass.  It’s flesh.  Thick, heavy, burning flesh.  I still feel the lap of every flame.  I feel the physical.  I feel the burning.  Whether I’m standing still… hiding in my shell, or moving forward… the fire is always there.  A constant pain, a constant burning, a constant torment I cannot see, reach, touch, or extinguish.  A constant stress.  A constant agony.  A constant pain.  I can’t outrun it.   I cannot escape.  I am a turtle on fire.  Cursed to burn.  Cursed to keep going.  I can’t feel anything but the fire at my back, chasing me.

So I get this spam email this morning…  Normally I don’t even bother reading through these – but in an interesting turn of events the scammer actually posted an email address that is mine (that hasn’t actually been used as anything but a forwarder for years) and my old MySpace password.  If I had to guess, there was probably a breach of MySpace back in the day, or wherever the database files are currently stored – and this enterprising individual/group is hoping that people still use the same login/password to this day and will panic.

In actuality – I haven’t used MySpace since… 2009 I think?

Bonus points for effort, but this is entirely bullshit.  I feel bad for the folks who will blindly send off money as a result of this sort of email.  The takeaway here is don’t use the same password in multiple locations, and don’t re-use old passwords.  I wish them luck with my “files”. 🙂

I greet you!

I have bad news for you.
06/28/2018 – on this day I hacked your operating system and got full access to your account marlin@tothemetal.net
On that day your account (marlin@tothemetal.net) password was: *********

It is useless to change the password, my malware intercepts it every time.

How it was:
In the software of the router to which you were connected that day, there was a vulnerability.
I first hacked this router and placed my malicious code on it.
When you entered in the Internet, my trojan was installed on the operating system of your device.

After that, I made a full dump of your disk (I have all your address book, history of viewing sites, all files, phone numbers and addresses of all your contacts).

A month ago, I wanted to lock your device and ask for a small amount of money to unlock.
But I looked at the sites that you regularly visit, and came to the big delight of your favorite resources.
I’m talking about sites for adults.

I want to say – you are a big pervert. You have unbridled fantasy!

After that, an idea came to my mind.
I made a screenshot of the intimate website where you have fun (you know what it is about, right?).
After that, I took off your joys (using the camera of your device). It turned out beautifully, do not hesitate.

I am strongly belive that you would not like to show these pictures to your relatives, friends or colleagues.
I think $984 is a very small amount for my silence.
Besides, I spent a lot of time on you!

I accept money only in Bitcoins.
My BTC wallet: x

You do not know how to replenish a Bitcoin wallet?
In any search engine write “how to send money to btc wallet”.
It’s easier than send money to a credit card!

For payment you have a little more than two days (exactly 50 hours).
Do not worry, the timer will start at the moment when you open this letter. Yes, yes .. it has already started!

After payment, my virus and dirty photos with you self-destruct automatically.
Narrative, if I do not receive the specified amount from you, then your device will be blocked, and all your contacts will receive a photos with your “joys”.

I want you to be prudent.
– Do not try to find and destroy my virus! (All your data is already uploaded to a remote server)
– Do not try to contact me (this is not feasible, I sent you an email from your account)
– Various security services will not help you; formatting a disk or destroying a device will not help either, since your data is already on a remote server.

P.S. I guarantee you that I will not disturb you again after payment, as you are not my single victim.
 This is a hacker code of honor.

From now on, I advise you to use good antiviruses and update them regularly (several times a day)!

Don’t be mad at me, everyone has their own work.
Farewell.

Been heading in earlier to beat the traffic nightmare that is Route 17… It splits into two lanes, left goes to the Thruway, right goes to the Thruway as well in addition to offering exits to Bear Mountain and 17 South. Leaving an hour later puts me into a 10+ minute traffic jam.

So I get to the train this morning which thankfully was NOT cancelled, and as I’m standing on the platform, this woman shoves past me to get to the yellow line. Not realizing she’s now standing in a puddle on an otherwise dry platform, I laugh as the water proceeds to dump on her head.

Getting to the ferry, the usual slip is closed, and normally there’s a guy shouting to tell us which slip to use. He’s not there so we all line up at the next available berth like last week. He shows up about 5 seconds after we all mistakenly rush to yet another slip where we hear someone shout Wall Street. Here’s an idea, move the sign until whatever maintenance is complete.

The big question going into season 5 of The Ranch on Netflix was how they planned to handle the firing of Danny Masterson, who played Rooster – one of the 3 leads of the show with Beau (Sam Elliot) and Colt (Ashton Kutcher).

Old rape allegations caught up with Masterson during the height of the “metoo” movement and he was summarily fired.  I’m not getting into why he was fired, I’m focusing here on how the show handled it.  Spoilers ahead.

The main arc this season is a wildfire that heavily damaged the town and Ranch, and burned down the Peterson ranch that Colt had planned to develop and raise his family on with Abby (Elisha Cuthbert) and how the group of family and friends recover from it.

A big chunk of this season surrounded Rooster’s actions to protect the ranch, Colt’s efforts to cover for his brother, and of course Rooster’s relationship with Mary who recently started up again with her ex-con boyfriend Nick (Josh Burrow).  That’s when the trouble started.

Nick’s character just sucked the life out of the show, the writing didn’t fit, the character didn’t fit.  Threatening to kill Rooster if he ever went near Mary again (who pretty much runs his mother’s bar)… Then subsequently threatening to kill him and his family if he didn’t leave town right then and there.  That’s it.  That’s how this character, this lead is written off the show.

Dexter had a better sendoff.

The next season will introduce a new character played by Dax Shepard to fill the empty space left by Rooster.  Honestly, with how this was handled I’m really curious if the writers can dig the show out of the massive hole they’ve landed in.  Personally?  I would have kept the character and replaced the actor.

As of right now – Rooster’s gone to who knows where, no idea if the character will return.  Mary’s broken up from an ex-con who was crazy enough to break into Rooster’s cabin and force him out of town at gunpoint.  The show just took a really dark turn here, Empire Strikes Back dark.  It used to be light-hearted and hopeful.  In one fell swoop that mood is gone.

There was some great character development here, especially when it comes to the father/son dynamic between Beau and Colt.  I still want to see where the story goes but I’m not entirely sure it’s salvageable.  Wait and see I guess.