Still a hole…

When I really think about it, when I stand back and look at it, all I can wonder is – what the fuck happened?

It’s coming up on the end of year 0. My latest experiment with dreams came to an abrupt end on February 13th, 2008. I’ve gone from enjoying my job, planning my future, moving onward and upward – to jumping head first into the insecurity and instability of this modern world… completely alone.

It stinks to make plans and have them stolen. By my hand or by fates, either way, I was not supposed to be on that path. Maybe it’s a good thing it all fell apart. I can’t imagine making mortgage payments in an economy where I’m not even sure if I’ll have a job 2 months from now.

Still, I miss not being alone, always having that one person who I completely click with standing by my side. It gets mighty cold where I am, and it doesn’t really matter what I try – nothing really brings me satisfaction or any sense of pride.

Yes, I’m bitching. I’m not whining. I do have an idea of how to get on top of this, but I’m also wondering what the hell to replace this massive glowing purple VACANCY sign hanging in the center of my chest with. I take my joy in doses these days. Most days I just stare at walls, or fill the silence with inane banter.

I’ve tried to nail down some joy in the old familiar places, but what I’ve realized along the way is that the simple fact of my life is that I am not where I planned to be. I’m a stranger in a familiar land, teetering at the crossroad of easily a dozen paths – lacking the hubris necessary to just pick a direction and GO with it.

Every time I go with it, I fall. Every time. I can’t finish anything anymore. I know that once I’ve finished something, it’s done. The journey is over. I’m stuck in a washing machine on spin cycle and constantly expecting some gentle soul to come along, open the door, and let me out. I’ve got a level of uncertainty in my life right now that I’ve quite honestly never faced before.

I’m trying to get out of here. Vermont. That place just rings in my mind as the last place I was genuinely happy for an extended period of time. Clean air, friendly people, and a Papa John’s within delivery distance. I don’t know if I want to go there because I don’t want to be HERE, because I’m clinging to the past, or because I genuinely just want a new start somewhere else.

It’s hard to find a gig that’s hours away from where I am now. I’m completely ready to abandon the comforts of familiarity and explore a new environment… I believe that if the right opportunity presents it self if I can somehow MAKE the right opportunity, I can get there. Either way, after nearly 30 years of living, loving, and working in this area… I don’t see how I can survive one more year of sitting still.

I’ll still be around, but it won’t be me. I’ll have burned out, given up, lost any possibility of finding true joy and satisfaction in my life again. That it happened to coincide with the worst job market and economy in decades was just a perk.

Maybe what I need is an Earthquake to break the stillness.

Who knows.

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