Embrace the whatever.

So I’m sitting here, on the second day of my 39th year (that means I’m 38)… and I am lonely as fuck.  I’m sitting here watching Netflix, playing a video game on my laptop, drinking coffee with coconut oil in it to lose weight, and looking up quotes about loneliness online.

Are you fucking kidding me?

Let me tell you this: if you meet a loner, no matter what they tell you, it’s not because they enjoy solitude. It’s because they have tried to blend into the world before, and people continue to disappoint them.

—Jodi Picoult

I’m so tired of chasing people down who have no desire to be my friend.

I’m exhausted of trying to have conversations where I’m the only one paying attention or giving a shit.  I try to acknowledge everyone when they speak (unless they’re being a total douchebag)…  When I speak?  Few and far between are those who cast a glance my way and spare a few neurons to acknowledge me.

I’m sick of the games… of all my desires coming up short of being fulfilled, or being perpetually beyond my reach.

Jesus Christ I’m going to be 40 in 2 years, and I have very little doubt that despite my efforts, despite how hard I try, or how much I struggle to find those I can open up to… I’ll be sitting here on 9/7/2019, watching Netflix, playing video games, alone.

Humanity only seems to accept me through pity, after I subvert who I am enough in order to “fit in.”  That’s why I find humanity to be such a grand fucking disappointment.

So yeah, I guess I’m a loner, destined to stand on the outside looking in, jaded, tired, and wanting.  I give up as I warmly embrace the whatever.

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